tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56225425190104399102024-03-12T19:14:49.589-05:00What Happy Couples Do BlogCarol Bruess Comments on Creating and Sustaining Happy CouplesCarol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.comBlogger287125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-9905882673105443022015-11-22T22:19:00.002-06:002015-11-22T22:19:37.750-06:00Revving back up the Happy Couple Blog: 0 to 60 in 2016!Well, folks -- I'm back! Sorry about that necessary little blogging-break. It's time, I hope you'll agree, to rev back up the conversation here on the happy couple blog. My plan: Starting January 1 you can expect at least 1 post per week ... and maybe even more?! (Woot!) There's much to discuss, including a book on families in the digital age (all 503 pages) I just edited and published (yep, lots to share from the 22 chapters and 47 authors who contributed their cutting-edge research about couples, families, adolescents, emerging adults, and the dynamics of relating in the landscape of social media). There's much to discuss about a new little TV gig that's been fun to co-develop with CBS here in Minneapolis/St. Paul this past year. And there's so much to consider, share, and explore given the cool research coming on the scene this past year. Holy moly ... I'm getting all revved up just thinking about all the stuff you and I need to discuss! Okay, then, I'll see y'all back here--at the good old WHCD blog--in just a little over a month.<br />
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Until then, choose happiness.Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-52193650156563812762014-06-27T14:47:00.000-05:002014-06-27T14:47:09.042-05:00So ...... hopefully you'll hang in there with the somewhat inconsistent posting of happy-stuff on this happy blog. Since and even before the Neat-Pete and Great-Kate storytelling, I've been working on a super-happy, super-top-secret new writing project that hopefully I can tell you all about some day soon! I hope you will agree -- when you "see" it (a hint) -- that it's worth the wait.<br />
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In the meantime, how about I keep your in-search-of-happy-relationship-appetites whetted with a few quick summaries and cool links to what's currently the best writing/thinking out there on the topic? For instance, did you see David Brooks' opinion piece in the NYTimes this week? <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/24/opinion/david-brooks-rhapsody-in-realism.html?emc=edit_th_20140624&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=46030963&_r=0" target="_blank">Rhapsody in Realism</a>. Whoa! LOVE.<br />
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If you haven't clicked the link above, I get it. The title itself would lead even the most dedicated among us to believe this isn't perfect for THIS blog (and/or "Bruess is losing her edge -- suggesting articles on far-out philosophies about realism." "Whatevs.").<br />
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But oh-so-deceiving can a title be!<br />
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Out of Brooks' musing emerges the perfectly ironic "crooked timber mentality" -- one that has me, since reading, observing my own life and my ironically-and-irritatingly-perfectly-nutty-fabulous husband with fresh eyes and newfound admirations. Yes, he's already perfectly-imperfect and I (almost) daily admire the way he parents, partners, leads, lives simply, and profoundly influences with a steady, gentle approach (while those same approaches simultaneously make me mad <i>and</i> madly in love with him!). I now get it even more, as Brooks' who cites Kant points out: Each of us (amen) "are, to varying degrees, foolish, weak and often just plain inexplicable." And marriage is ironic "... because you are trying to build a pure relationship out of people who are ramshackle and messy. There’s an awesome incongruity between the purity you glimpse in the love and the fact that he leaves used tissues around the house and it drives you crazy."<br />
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When a short piece like Brooks' can almost instantaneously help you LIKE your perfectly-imperfect partner and ideally crooked reality even more: seriously, click on it already.<br />
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And while you do, I'll toggle back to that top-secret project I hope to reveal here ... some ... day ... very ... soon ...<br />
<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-55499097288835205502014-04-07T09:21:00.001-05:002014-04-07T09:24:50.079-05:00Kate and Pete: Chapter 6 - The Infinite Game <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Chapter 6 gets the "last word" in the Kate-Pete story! It's <i>not </i>because there aren't a million more little lovely moments we could share (double pinky swear promise: Kate and Pete's story will make future appearances as postscripts). This is the perfect last chapter because it punctuates the story of all relationship, and does so with a big old beautiful exclamation point then ellipse (because there is always more, right? ...). Marriage/partnership isn't ever about getting "happy"and then expecting it to be so always. No big newsflash here: Relationships take a lot of work; and just when you think things are working well, the wheels fall off again. And again. And we have to keep putting them back on. The news, and rather intensely interesting to me at least, is how couples go about the sometimes ugly/sometimes beautiful (fighting, arms flailing, relationship flat tires, voices raised) work. Here's how Kate and Pete see it:</div>
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<u><b>Fighting for Us</b></u><br />
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by Kate Woodman Middlecamp<br />
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My previous “chapters” in this series have primarily focused on the highlights of our relationship: the many ways Peter and I celebrate, reconnect and strive to be fully engaged and truly happy partners. We are indeed happy, and gratefully so. But even the happiest of us twosomes have good days and bad, and the reality of our marriage - like most - is that it takes a whole lot of work, everyday, to make it work.<br />
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More often than not, the daily work for us is fun: love notes, garden time, artistic endeavors, puppy snuggles and bouts of "stop-I-can't-breath" laughter. This playful foundation is really the heart of "us," and each joke, song, new ritual or nickname gets added to our store of love and happiness. In the rough moments, we rely on them all to find our way back to each other—to reconnection. Often, all it takes is a small reference to a long-running joke, or that simplest of all endearing signs: a loving smile. The small, often quiet actions re-affirm our affection and remind us of our playful core.<br />
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But sometimes the foundation of loving fun isn't enough, and the stress, hurt, or frustration we feel might lead to a fight (yep--happy couples fight!). For Peter and me, these challenging, emotionally-charged, and sometimes downright exhausting moments are where the work of marriage really feels like work. And even as playful, ritual-laden and overall happy as we are, it is a struggle at times to keep these conflicts from devolving into negativity. It’s hard—like it is for every couple on the planet – to remain true to a kind and loving core. We are passionate, highly charged, expressive and sensitive individuals; when we fight, we fight hard. And sometimes loud. And I flail my arms. A lot.<br />
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But although it may not always look, or sound it—and in the heat of the moment it might take us a few minutes to remember it—we are always, ALWAYS, fighting for us. Fighting to get back to a place of connection; fighting to be better partners; fighting to be heard and to listen; fighting through failed repair attempts (sometimes searching to simply find the one that works!); fighting because, even in face of the harshest conflict, we would still choose each other. And we do. Over and over.<br />
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Years ago, before Peter and I were married, we read the book <i>Finite and Infinite Games</i> by James P. Carse–an exploration of the difference between games played to win and games played to ensure infinite play. His writing has given us a transformative awareness not only in life, but for sure in marriage. We’ve come back time and again to his idea of the "infinite game"-- a metaphor for our marriage, especially the "I'm so mad at you I could flail my arms all day" part. We’ve decided we want to play the game of marriage/conflict/fighting to ensure <i>infinite</i> play – a lifetime of it (marriage), in fact.<br />
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There is no winner in this ever-changing, ultimately-loving game of ours; and there is no end. Our marriage rule: that we just keep playing.<br />
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And like most games I’ve ever played, it requires practice and patience--plus a big dose of kindness. The outcome? Our marriage will not just survive; it will thrive! ...<br />
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<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-10117262499829573782014-03-13T14:06:00.001-05:002014-03-13T14:06:04.204-05:00Kate and Pete: Chapter 5 - Place-MakingHappy couples co-create "place" in the world. Chapter 5 of Kate and Pete's story is about doing just that (plus a nod to a most beautiful thing couples can make: compromise).<div>
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<b><u>Home Sweet Home Grown</u></b><br />by Kate Woodman Middlecamp<br /><br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Three years ago, while searching for
our first home, Peter and I quickly realized our joint vision of the future
might require - as many things in a happy marriage do - a bit of loving
compromise.<br />
<br />
I wanted an old house: built-ins and hardwood floors, a lovely staircase and
leaded piano windows. I was less concerned about the yard, at least
initially, and wanted to stay in St. Paul. For me, it was really about
the interior space and the light. I dreamed of art on the walls and tea in a
sunny kitchen, of children running down the staircase on Christmas morning, and
of a fireplace to cozy up to on chilly winter’s nights. I fell in love,
hard and fast, with at least 4 of the houses we visited in the first few weeks. </span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-In7ewHyAJ2s/UyIA3nU_bVI/AAAAAAAAA9k/ignjD9j83fw/s1600/photo+1+%25289%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-In7ewHyAJ2s/UyIA3nU_bVI/AAAAAAAAA9k/ignjD9j83fw/s1600/photo+1+%25289%2529.jpg" height="200" width="152" /></a></div>
Peter wanted a yard, as big as we could afford, and had an open and flexible
vision of what the house could/would/should be: made of shipping containers, a
100 sq foot tiny home, or even, an old converted school bus. He searched
for the biggest yards, with the most sun and space to grow and we visited vast
properties that more often than not featured less-than-desirable houses.
While I struggled to look past the issues with the homes, Peter could
fully envision the future yards, filled with love and grown goodness. He
fell every bit as hard for those open spaces as I fell for the old houses with
piano windows. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f9Uz-QIqSQQ/UyH-8ch6iQI/AAAAAAAAA9Y/MnpmAjbAlFM/s1600/photo+1+%252810%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f9Uz-QIqSQQ/UyH-8ch6iQI/AAAAAAAAA9Y/MnpmAjbAlFM/s1600/photo+1+%252810%2529.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
The problem was, big yards and old houses with piano windows don’t necessarily
go together in St. Paul (at least not in our price range) and we found
ourselves in the midst of a few intense marital discussions. We realized
that we had to put aside what felt important to us as individuals, and try to
define what was truly important to us as a couple. The yard, it turns
out, was very important to us both – space to grow food and let children and
puppies play. But the house was equally important; one filled with beauty
and light – or at the very least, the potential for both.<br />
<br />
When we first visited the house that was eventually to become ours, I wasn’t
impressed. It was certainly an old house, but not of the style I had
dreamed, and was in need of some serious cosmetic upgrades. The bones
were solid, however, and the yard simply amazing. Under the shadow of a
60 year old Black Walnut tree, planted the year the previous owners purchased the
house, we observed a glorious and massive space, with an existing garden in
full bloom, and Peter’s vision of “our home” became real to me for the first
time. I understood what he saw, and why he was so in love with it, and
realized that deep down, I was in love with it too - I just needed to see it to
know. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3QFIqT3Xt6A/UyH-8Ay7-KI/AAAAAAAAA9U/td98E1j-FUs/s1600/photo+3+%25287%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3QFIqT3Xt6A/UyH-8Ay7-KI/AAAAAAAAA9U/td98E1j-FUs/s1600/photo+3+%25287%2529.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
<br />So piano windows took a back seat to vegetables and garden parties, and we
haven’t looked back. Our little house has had the necessary cosmetic
upgrades, complete with refinished original hardwood floors, and yes, a sunny
kitchen to have tea in. There isn't a fireplace, nor is it made of shipping
containers, but there is art on the walls and the rooms are indeed filled with
beauty and light.<br />
<br />
The garden, in turn, has become the true center of our life together. It is
ever-increasing in size, close to 11,000 square feet this past season, and is
now home to fish ponds and chicken coops as well as endless, delicious produce.
We grow organically, and as sustainably as possible, and that mindful and purposeful
attitude has spread into all areas of our life - including our relationship
with each other. We are healthier, kinder, more patient and more generous
partners as gardeners than we were before. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fiCV59PsVDQ/UyH-5-g-KRI/AAAAAAAAA9I/l9dN28QzS8o/s1600/photo+2+%25288%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fiCV59PsVDQ/UyH-5-g-KRI/AAAAAAAAA9I/l9dN28QzS8o/s1600/photo+2+%25288%2529.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />Our favorite part of our new life as gardeners, and that which has become our
most beloved ritual, is simply sharing it with others: doorstep drops of
vegetable goodness, dinner parties under the garden pergola with salad picked
by guests and dessert wandering the raspberry patch, soups filled with goodness
and love brought to those who need it most, neighbors who never leave
empty-handed. Even now, in the midst of this bitter winter, we still have
squash and potatoes in cold storage to share, and mason jars filled with
preserves sparkling in the pantry. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mW0Ytt9h0FY/UyH-4WWQxPI/AAAAAAAAA9A/L1sp1K935J0/s1600/photo+2+%25287%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mW0Ytt9h0FY/UyH-4WWQxPI/AAAAAAAAA9A/L1sp1K935J0/s1600/photo+2+%25287%2529.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></div>
And as our garden sleeps under a blanket of snow, we snuggle under blankets of
down in our adorable, slightly drafty half-story bedroom - dreaming of green
leaves, and dinner parties, and tomatoes eaten from the vine, still warm from
the sun. Dreams of spring, and of garden goodness, and above all, of
love.<o:p></o:p><br />
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-36117813498986395482014-02-24T12:05:00.003-06:002014-02-24T12:05:34.176-06:00(Sidebar to Kate and Pete) "The All-or-Nothing Marriage"Don't worry, there are more chapters to come in the Kate and Pete story. But, I'm interrupting our regularly-scheduled programming to offer a seriously-appropriate sidebar to Kate and Pete's story, one that so perfectly emerged in the <i>New York Times</i> last week and made me think precisely about the thoughtful, intentional work Kate and Pete and every other really happy couple in the 21st century is doing -- <i>must</i> be doing -- to enjoy the kind of happy marriage that was not a goal, and thus usually not a possibility, in centuries past.<br />
<br />
But it is now (hint: if you put in the time and energy), and there is much interesting research and theorizing to explain how and why, most of it summarized quite perfectly in this recent piece. Enjoy! (... and then get back to working on your marriage; it's worth it, as this piece will remind us, yet again!). P.S. Don't overlook the parts where, basically, the research is saying engage in more rituals of connection. Whoop. Whoop!!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?emc=eta1&_r=0" target="_blank">The All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli J. Finkel</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?emc=eta1&_r=0">http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?emc=eta1&_r=0</a><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZmuVGydE-U/UwuIamBcL5I/AAAAAAAAA8s/kZaPAXmHCBQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-24+at+11.58.47+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZmuVGydE-U/UwuIamBcL5I/AAAAAAAAA8s/kZaPAXmHCBQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-24+at+11.58.47+AM.png" height="295" width="400" /></a></div>
Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-70883878253539799822014-02-19T15:04:00.004-06:002014-02-19T15:04:45.316-06:00Kate and Pete: Chapter 4 -- The ART of the MatterThanks to Kate, my beloved guest blogger kicking off 2014 here on WHCD blogspot -- and doing so with great style, don't you think? -- my blogging job has been quite simple lately. Thank you, Great Kate!! And today, even more so since she's built right into her blog an introduction and some context which means, well, I don't need to. Oh, wait, I guess I just did by saying that she did. But anyway. Here's another beauty, this one so perfectly reminding all of us that our relationships are, indeed, co-created, mini works-of-art. Enjoy!<br />
<br />
<b><u>The ART of the Matter</u></b><br />
<br />
By Kate Woodman Middlecamp<br />
<br />
In the WHCD blog post <i>Sew Sweet </i>(October 2012), Carol writes about the simple-yet-brilliant, love-affirming, spirit-lifting, relationship-boosting magic that can occur when "appreciating and acknowledging something your sweet partner or even friend does, loves or appreciates...just because it is indeed what he/she does, loves or appreciates..."<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VvTJwQFQdCU/UwUaxGKAEjI/AAAAAAAAA70/yG5fKF_QOuU/s1600/art+blog+photo+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VvTJwQFQdCU/UwUaxGKAEjI/AAAAAAAAA70/yG5fKF_QOuU/s1600/art+blog+photo+1.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MfP-CcKYEGc/UwUaztqz5rI/AAAAAAAAA78/Gyz-uwKsATU/s1600/art+blog+photo+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MfP-CcKYEGc/UwUaztqz5rI/AAAAAAAAA78/Gyz-uwKsATU/s1600/art+blog+photo+4.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a>Reading her lovingly vivid recollection of just such an experience, I found myself pondering the<br />
presence and potential of this relationship magic in my own happy marriage. After all, Peter and I are both artists, and our mutually crazy-creativity is one of the reasons we fell for each other, and have continued to fall for each other. Surely we must fully, and frequently, express our appreciation of each other's endeavors, interests and achievements as artists?! Or do we?!? It's a question we thought would be well worth pondering. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ywRzrMS03To/UwUa2jKWvhI/AAAAAAAAA8A/cclbKDjj6ZY/s1600/art+blog+photo+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ywRzrMS03To/UwUa2jKWvhI/AAAAAAAAA8A/cclbKDjj6ZY/s1600/art+blog+photo+2.jpg" height="211" width="320" /></a>When we first met, I was fully immersed in my life as an artist, living in the Tilsner Artist Lofts of St. Paul, MN, in a remarkable space: 15 foot ceilings, 10 foot windows, exposed brick and beams, art in every corner, and even (our first furniture!) a rope swing in the kitchen. Peter refers to me at that time and in that space as his Art Girl, and speaks passionately of the impact my art had on his growing love for me in those early days. As I work now to re-establish my studio space in the basement of our lovely little home, he is thrilled to catch glimpses of his beloved Art Girl once more.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0zku9PfaaBI/UwUa8t0lKsI/AAAAAAAAA8U/s1sE9F4bDLY/s1600/art+blog+photo+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0zku9PfaaBI/UwUa8t0lKsI/AAAAAAAAA8U/s1sE9F4bDLY/s1600/art+blog+photo+3.jpg" height="228" width="320" /></a><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Uz9zHIrPZf0/UwUa_98CV3I/AAAAAAAAA8c/1b2-UFPnTtg/s1600/art+blog+photo+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Uz9zHIrPZf0/UwUa_98CV3I/AAAAAAAAA8c/1b2-UFPnTtg/s1600/art+blog+photo+5.jpg" height="200" width="142" /></a>And although I haven't yet come up a moniker for Peter as he continues to immerse himself in his craft as an actor and singer - perhaps because his roles are ever-changing - my appreciation and respect for his work is as deep as his for mine. I love, love, love watching Peter work. At home reading lines, researching a role, or, my favorite of all, working on music. His talent; his depth; his voice: they, quite simply, undo me. And as each show comes together, I can barely wait to take my seat opening night. No matter how many times I've seen a show, my heart leaps when Peter takes the stage and sooner or later, the joy I feel in my heart overwhelms my body and those oh-so-happy tears fill my eyes.<br />
<br />
But is our honest and abundant artistic appreciation of each other the love-affirming, spirit-lifting, relationship-boost Dr. Bruess so beautifully suggests? We've been discussing and observing and have discovered that yes, in many wonderful and truly magically ways, it is! There is a simple and profound happiness in doing what you love, and knowing that the one you love is right behind you (or in row G, seat 11). Making art helps us to be happier and stronger as individuals, and as our individual artistic endeavors become ever-more-fully parts of our life together, we are more aware of how powerful, and bliss-inspiring, a little appreciation can be.<br />
<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-14090499865353104732014-02-13T11:37:00.003-06:002014-02-13T11:38:52.993-06:00Kate and Pete: Chapter 3 -- An Envy-Worthy Anniversary Ritual (a Valentine's Day all their own)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i4nESaBiSwA/Uv0A4g3HQjI/AAAAAAAAA7k/dfISjXL4aeg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-13+at+11.28.53+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i4nESaBiSwA/Uv0A4g3HQjI/AAAAAAAAA7k/dfISjXL4aeg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-13+at+11.28.53+AM.png" height="200" width="175" /></a>People often think I -- the marriage researcher and happy-couple-writer/blogger/practicer/advocate -- must LOVE the season of St. Valentine! Well, not so much. I mean, I like it. And appreciate any opportunity to pour out the love, kindness and goodness into any and all relationships in the world. Of course ... duh ... expressions of adoration and I HEART YOU and BE MINE and YOU'RE CUTE?! Those messages aren't something at which I will ever scoff nor discourage. Bring on the love! Share it! Valentine it. Be it! Shout it, write it, blog it, sky-write it. But not <i>ONLY</i> on Valentine's day. You know my motto: make <i>every </i>day one worthy of celebrating the core (CORE - shout it!) goodness in the world: warm human connections.</div>
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Chapter three of Kate and Pete's story is so much about that kind of celebration ... and in their case it's about the organic growth of their ever-emerging anniversary ritual, a time (spread over all of the ups and downs of their year) to re-declare their goodness and commitment to warm human connection with each other, deeply and satisfyingly in like and love with each other and the lives they are constructing. So, if that's Valentine's day for you, have at it. And if it's a random Wednesday in October - even better. And again on a mundane Monday in March, go for it. For Kate and Pete, it begins in late summer and stretches well into their anniversary, and beyond. </div>
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Maybe <i>Kate and Pete Chapter Three </i>will get you thinking about how you, too, can continue to shape your life into one that is, well, perfectly and always wonderfully under-construction (aka, inspire you to <u>make</u> your relationship something you, TOO, would be willing to blog about!).</div>
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<u>Anniversary Ritual: Forever (Perfectly) Under Construction</u></div>
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By Kate Woodman Middlecamp</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xhXJJ4UgDcE/Uvz6I_XUW7I/AAAAAAAAA7U/ZJj-MRwnQiE/s1600/photo+5+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xhXJJ4UgDcE/Uvz6I_XUW7I/AAAAAAAAA7U/ZJj-MRwnQiE/s1600/photo+5+(2).jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a>On our first anniversary, Peter and I returned to the suite where we spent our wedding night: The Covington Inn, a converted tugboat B&B just a short walk down the river from the site of our carnival wedding on Harriet Island in St. Paul, MN. We walked arm in arm from the site of our vows, and once again climbed the tiny, twisting staircase to the two-story pilothouse suite - albeit a little more steadily this time. It was a night nearly as perfect as our first, and as we signed the guest book for the second time, we vowed to return each year to celebrate and remember. Over-looking the park at sunset -- remembering our overflowing, loving, crazy carnival and guests -- we enjoyed a picnic of fruits and cheeses, and a bottle of what has become our ritual anniversary scotch, <i>Balvenie Doublewood</i>. </div>
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But as it tends to do, life got busy and complicated, and in the months leading up to our second anniversary, we found that we - and the suite - would be otherwise occupied on Sept 20th. Initially disappointed, we realized that what we really loved about idea of annually returning to the Covington was simply that it was our ritual, and that the possibilities of other such loving, lovely, romantic and ridiculously "us" rituals were endless. So we opened our hearts and minds, bought a bottle of scotch, and waited for anniversary inspiration to hit. </div>
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And hit it did, in late August - my birthday, in fact - which happens to fall almost exactly a month before our anniversary. Peter and I were at the Mall of America enjoying a few roller coaster rides and skee-ball, and while breaking for lunch we happened to walk into a little inexpensive jewelry store. Drawn to the stainless steel rings, we tried on some matching sets for fun and a few very inspired moments later, we walked out with our original wedding rings in boxes, sparkly new rings on our fingers and huge grins on our faces.</div>
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It was a simple thing at the time, a spontaneous and giddy act of love. But as we neared our anniversary, we realized that the new rings were also a perfect addition to the ritual anniversary celebration of "us" that had begun at the Covington. Not a night on a tugboat, but still so very, perfectly, Kate and Pete. </div>
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And so our unique and ever-changing anniversary ritual was born. In the months leading up to our September anniversary, we research and discuss the traditional and modern gifts for the year, decide what is most "us" and if or how it might relate to a new ring or a similarly fabulous – often simple – symbol of our love.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nnE7SsXH2K4/Uvz5lPt0k5I/AAAAAAAAA60/IJLphbI8ePs/s1600/photo+1+(8).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nnE7SsXH2K4/Uvz5lPt0k5I/AAAAAAAAA60/IJLphbI8ePs/s1600/photo+1+(8).jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a>This year marked our fourth anniversary, and we chose gifts of wood and flowers - a combination of the “traditional” anniversary gifts prescribed for years four and five. In early fall, Peter surprised me with a huge new anniversary bed, in our already massive garden, dedicated to growing flowers for a lifetime - perennial wildflowers, herbs and flowering tea plants. Even through the bitter months of this winter, he has collected and spread seed on the bed almost daily. I, in turn, will be crafting our new rings out of black walnut this spring, from downed limbs of the 60 plus year old tree in our yard; I’ll start them as soon as the wood is cured and ready to carve. </div>
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As in the beginning, it is now our ritual to acquire, or plan to create, the new rings, and decide what the anniversary theme will be as part of my August birthday celebration. It is, essentially, our opportunity to say “we choose each other again!” Every year, then, when the special day does arrive - a month later - we are totally free to celebrate who we are now and who we have been. We are free, each time, to rejoice in our unique two-ness. And, most importantly, we are ready to toast who we hope to be in the next year – whatever that might bring - together.</div>
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<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-37766658803354495062014-01-29T21:11:00.002-06:002014-01-29T21:11:16.955-06:00Kate and Pete: Chapter 2 (hint - there might be Love Letters!)As promised: Chapter 2 of the great-Kate and neat-Pete happy couple 2014 feature!<br />
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Here, Kate reveals the very beginnings of the just-keeps-getting-better Kate-Pete story (the part before the can't-top-it-carnival-celebration). As surely it will in you too, their sweet beginnings inspired in me a big, juicy "awwww" (right after I thought, of course only to myself, which now is <i>not </i>going to be private because I'm saying it without hesitation to thousands of readers: "Hey - I'd sure like to read a few of those saucy letters!" But then I recalled my unwavering commitment to keeping this a PG13 blog. Shucks). Anyway ... on to the ever-sweet-and-love-letter-filled-life, chapter 2, of Kate and Pete. Enjoy!<br />
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"The Story of Us"<br />
- by Kate Woodman Middlecamp<br />
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Whenever Peter and I befriend someone new, it isn't long before the question is asked of us: "How DID you two meet?!" To which we invariably reply, with poorly concealed glee: "We actually met online," and chuckle as the jaws drop. It is, I think, the absolute LAST place people would expect the two of us - with all our crazy loves, quirks and hobbies - to have connected. In all honesty, it was the last place either of us thought it would happen as well … until it did.<br />
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Peter had been on Match.com (this during the Dr. Phil "Mind. Find. Bind." era of Match) for awhile before I joined. Working through the end of a very complicated relationship, he was looking for someone worthy of moving on with and had been on a few dates - dates worthy of a few good stories, but not much more. When I found his profile through a search - we were not, funnily enough, matched by the website automatically - I was taken aback. Like my own freshly written profile, Peter chose to acknowledge the quirkiness that is online dating with humor and wit; a fake interview with himself, in fact. I read his profile, laughed harder than I had in months, and a little<br />
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I must admit, I thought then (and still do) that he was WAY out of my league, and so, initially I didn't reach out. I just waited. And re-read his profile 20 times a day. For days. And then got sick of myself and summoned the courage to send him a simple message of gratitude for the laughs. To my delight, he wrote back almost immediately and the real story of Kate and Pete began.<br />
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We exchanged e-letters a few times a week, which quickly progressed to a few times a day. Letters every bit as witty and funny as the online profiles we had worked so hard to perfect. And, as we got to know each other better, letters that were sweet, and vulnerable, and yes, even a bit saucy at times. We crafted whimsical and silly stories for each other that illuminated - in a magical way - who we really were, and who we wanted to be, and hinted at who we might become together. I think, even then, we knew somewhere deep down that our stories might be best told as one.<br />
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As a married couple, just now a few months past our 4th anniversary, we still use written word as a way to express, celebrate and reconnect. It is not unusual, after a particularly glorious string of<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The real deal: Kate + Pete + the written word = deep-in-love connection.</td></tr>
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<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-65994915960553417592014-01-20T16:56:00.000-06:002014-01-20T16:59:57.770-06:00A Host of Happy Couples (2014): Introducing Kate and Pete!It was a pretty dull but beautiful summer day in my life: wrangling email, running errands, weeding a tad in the garden, being on time for some necessary appointments, and generally keeping life/work running smoothly (or so I was attempting, and was rather enjoying the mundaneness). At the desk where I had one of those appointments sat Kate, someone I've only lightly known for many years, and only even that much because I go to that office twice a year and get done what I need to get done. Unfortunately, I didn't really "know"Kate ... at least not until this day. Lucky me, I took an extra minute on this full-with-stuff-to-do afternoon to ask the always-smiling and warm-spirited woman behind the desk that typically-phatic-but-not-so-on-this-occasion question: "So ... what's new with you, Kate?"<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My silly little rock garden that was<br />
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Her answer opened the door to a new and budding friendship with a pal I now call "Great Kate." And as part of that friendship, I'm privy (lucky me!) to a peek into Kate's world, which is situated fully and lovingly with her amazing partner Pete. Their relationship -- as you're about to read in a series of upcoming posts -- is precisely the ritual-rich, play-full, kind-and-then-some, intentionally-happy couple-creating life this blog has always and will always be about. And it was during one of Kate's high-energy tellings about their crazy-wonderful-cool wedding that I had what I think is a rather crazy-wonderful-cool idea: to feature a series of uber-happy couples who are, you guessed it, doing precisely what happy couples could, should and can<i> DO ... </i>and actually <i>ARE </i>doing!</div>
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And thus "A Host of Happy Couples (2014)" is born. The first installment is this one, and features - of course - Kate and Pete, a couple I know you're going to <i>love</i> getting to know. </div>
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So now ... drum roll please ... meet super-great Kate and equally-neat Pete! Where to begin? She decided to start with a part of their early story, the significant and signature day our culture calls "the wedding." In Kate and Pete's case, I'd call it, well, something completely so-much-more, and fully so-much-THEM ...</div>
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<b><u>A Crazy Big Day</u></b></div>
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It all began with a pocket-sized, orange, spiral-bound notebook. </div>
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A few weeks after returning from our engagement trip, during our first official wedding planning session, my husband-to-be grabbed the little book from atop the drafting table and we set to work jotting ideas. For the next year, it was a constant. Wherever we went and whatever we did, the little orange notebook tagged along. </div>
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There was only one rule: anything goes. No edits, no limits, no judgements, no preconceptions; every silly, ridiculous, outrageous, happy, loving idea had a place in the notebook. And after a year of the little book getting tossed about in pockets and purses, stowed in camping gear, and joining us on more than a few roller coaster rides, it was literally bursting with signature notions of our love.<br />
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In the end, one of the most difficult parts of wedding planning was sorting through our little orange book, saying goodbye to ideas that were - for lack of time, space, or money - beyond our reach. It was particularly hard for us to let go of the idea of "Free Soup" signs around the reception, the lovely dream of feeding anyone in the area who was hungry on that special day, and of invitations in the form of custom chocolate bars with golden tickets (golden tickets did make the day, after all, but I'm getting ahead of myself...!).</div>
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While sifting through the ideas, a theme became apparent: Our little orange notebook read an awful lot like the description of a carnival. In fact, it read EXACTLY like a carnival. The more we thought about it, the more a carnival wedding seemed the perfect celebration of our love and life together. </div>
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And it was. Blissful. Beautiful. Hilarious. Loving. And perfectly, completely, “us.” </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fh4Pvm5DbIo/Ut2hRYrXWrI/AAAAAAAAA5s/TebkKLikTV8/s1600/DSC_0013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fh4Pvm5DbIo/Ut2hRYrXWrI/AAAAAAAAA5s/TebkKLikTV8/s1600/DSC_0013.jpg" height="320" width="211" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z2Hjbn7BRjY/Ut2hR--1W7I/AAAAAAAAA5w/EvzN47K7Cdg/s1600/DSC_0015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z2Hjbn7BRjY/Ut2hR--1W7I/AAAAAAAAA5w/EvzN47K7Cdg/s1600/DSC_0015.jpg" height="320" width="209" /></a>We secured the Clarence W. Wigington Pavilion, a vast and gorgeous historic building on Harriet Island in St. Paul, Minnesota, and a portion of the surrounding park - the only space large enough and flexible enough to host a true carnival for our nearly 350 guests. With such a large party, and not-so-large budget, DIY was a necessity, and our apartment essentially became a temporary print shop. Giddy, often frantic, hours were spent together cranking out custom bags, event posters, popcorn boxes and, of course, Wonka Bar-esque invitations complete with, you guessed it, Golden Tickets. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AFe3qFbAD8s/Ut2hPBqPTDI/AAAAAAAAA5Q/vudB51t8CIc/s1600/318.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AFe3qFbAD8s/Ut2hPBqPTDI/AAAAAAAAA5Q/vudB51t8CIc/s1600/318.jpg" height="200" width="132" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NfV7sckE9cQ/UtxiQnMS9hI/AAAAAAAAA4A/AWS6PdPMiAU/s1600/photo+7+carnival.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NfV7sckE9cQ/UtxiQnMS9hI/AAAAAAAAA4A/AWS6PdPMiAU/s1600/photo+7+carnival.JPG" height="200" width="142" /></a>Agates collected over years of dating tumbled noisily in the garage, being polished to receive guests' blessings on the day. Skee-ball, volleyball, and mini-disc golf games were envisioned and customized. A photo booth and wedding photographer were hired, and photo props collected. Literal pounds of lollipops were arranged, in centerpieces, bouquets and boutineers. A mini-donut machine was purchased, used to make the wedding cake, and to serve treats on the day along with popcorn, cotton candy, hand-dipped corn dogs, and snow cones. We had a veritable horde of family and friends volunteering to “man” the machines. </div>
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Entertainers were lined up, many from the same horde of supportive friends and family: “Sprinkles” the clown making balloon creations; a professional yo-yo'er; a singer-songwriter who serenaded us in a spontaneous first dance; belly dancers; and even a surprise song by the bride and groom, the very happy couple. </div>
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A simple white dress was tailored, as was a classic black tux. And, to pay homage to our mutual love of all things vintage, Cary Grant/Katharine Hepburn-inspired his and her suits (each designed for dancing the day away) were tailored too. </div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pyJoMOJfvUo/UtxiLwotyfI/AAAAAAAAA3o/_4tiLOWji3I/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pyJoMOJfvUo/UtxiLwotyfI/AAAAAAAAA3o/_4tiLOWji3I/s1600/photo+4.JPG" height="200" width="132" /></a>The ceremony took place overlooking the river, with our dear friend James, the man who counseled us in the months prior to the wedding, and who passed a few months after, presiding over the affair with his dog “Prints” by his side. A simple melody on guitar accompanied the my walk down the aisle; my mother and father flanked my sides. The clearest memory I have of our signature day is this moment: walking out, into the sun and a mass of people, and seeing Peter waiting for me. My heart, and my eyes, overfilled - as did his - and together we knew a shimmering moment of perfect and utter joy, and of absolute gratitude for this day. This love. This life. </div>
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There was laughter and tears and readings … but not readings from scripture (ours came from a stash of our crazy-wonderful love letters). Next was more perfect and shimmering joy as we recited our vows, kissed the best kiss, and giddily danced our way back up the aisle as husband and wife, ready to kick off the carnival of a lifetime. </div>
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And the best part? We haven't stopped ... (editor: ... stories about which you’ll read in upcoming installments over the next 4 weeks of Kate and Pete, a very happy couple guest-writing for the very happy-couple-inspired What Happy Couples Do blog). </div>
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-83604598907728865422013-12-13T18:08:00.003-06:002013-12-15T01:36:57.246-06:00Friday the (most lovely) 13th Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary. Yes, it's Friday the 13th, and we chose a Friday (the 13th) in December 1991 to make public and official our happy-couple-status. So many people say "but why?" Because we knew what was ahead wasn't anything about luck. It was going to be all about focus and hard work.<br />
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And I've never been more in love.<br />
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My beloved and life-long partner (who reports that he should indeed receive 1.5 years of credit for each year of our marriage because his "marriage is a petrie dish; I'm married to a marriage researcher!") is still today my best pal, my confidant, my hero and my <i>rock</i>. That was actually his nickname in high school some 30 years ago: "Rock." I thought I understood why over the past 27 years of knowing him. Yet each day since, as I witness him sore in his profession, impress as a fully-engaged parent, light up a room of strangers and friends alike with his effervescent ways, and (the most impressive part of him) embrace and adore my quirky, emotional, highly-charged, on-the-go, sensitive, empathic (to a fault), often cranky self, I know more fully the depth of the moniker donned on him long ago. He IS a rock, in the most glorious sense of the word. Solid. Steady. Always. Forever.<br />
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And he's all mine. Which makes me the luckiest gal alive.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A page (literally) right out<br />
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the best Friday the 13th ever.<br />
Nice puffy sleeves, I know.</td></tr>
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May your Friday the 13th be as absolutely-mysteriously-perfect-and-lovely as mine and my honey's. XXOX to you all. We just returned from our ritual "anniversary day off" together (during which we made sure at least one of us was in seat 13, of course, at the theatre. We're now off to look for a bottle of wine to take to a holiday party, which has to cost exactly $13, and then to see if we can get from the store to the party in exactly 13 minutes. You get the silly picture ...).<br />
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P.S. ...<br />
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While I <u>have</u> and always will keep my promise to my dearest hubby to be true and faithful and forever quirky and emotional and cranky and stubborn in my love for him, I have NOT kept my promise to all of <i>you</i> to be a diligent, weekly blogger this fall during this absolutely lovely sabbatical! Oh my. Interesting how promises work: so easy to make, so hard to keep. If you enjoy this blog, I hope you'll forgive me. While I haven't been blogging much here, I have been studying, writing, researching and reading a TON and then some about couples and families in the digital age. Which means there is much to share in future blogs, and I pray you'll check back and see when I finally do so!<br />
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-14817125040360644602013-09-25T20:15:00.000-05:002013-09-25T21:02:09.340-05:00Happy to Brag ...... ours has been named among top 10 blogs for couples, issued by Datingadvice.com! Whoop. Party! Yay us. While we're not talking Pulitzer, it's somethin', eh? And as such, I'm one happy little blogger.<br />
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Now truth be disclosed: as a member of a 2-decade plus married couple, I'm quite obviously not dating advice.com's best user. But tens of thousands of their readers are, and they are liking (literally, on Facebook) the 5+ years of good stuff filling up the WHCD blog. Another whoop! Check it out:<br />
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Ironically (or not), like positive affirmations are elixirs of couple happiness and love, positive and public blog affirmations seem to immediately motivate one to post better and more often. As always, come back soon readers! I'm currently crafting a post on couples and their much beloved (and/or bemoaned) communication technologies: are they for better or worse? I'll share what the current research suggests.Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-17130982348740074062013-09-05T09:49:00.005-05:002013-09-05T09:49:49.461-05:00Natural Health Magazine + Happy Couples + Leslie Goldman + Cover Story!Add all those things up and you have one really cool bit of news to share!<br />
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Fabulous and fantastic author (and I want to call "friend," although we've never actually met, but that's beside the point) Leslie Goldman <a href="http://www.lesliegoldmanwrites.com/" target="_blank">http://www.lesliegoldmanwrites.com/</a> has the lead cover story in this month's (sept/oct, 2013) <i>Natural Health Magazine</i>. "Get Closer" presents 12 smart, expert-endorsed explanations for boosting your health via boosting the closeness of your relationships. "Research shows strong relationships = better health. It's that simple," she writes. AMEN, I write. And guess who and what is featured in tip #8? Psssst ... maybe a little <i>What Happy Couples Do</i>, that's who. I know, right? FUN! Bravo, Leslie, for the fabulous information written in your ever-fresh, always-smart style.<br />
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Wanna know more? Of course you do or you wouldn't be subscribed to this blog. So get yourself to a newsstand pronto! Both the information in the story (and that cute orange dress on the cover - eh?) are must-haves. Credits reveal it's a Kate Spade dress and H&M cardigan. Die! I also happened to love the very last page in this issue about being a "qualitarian," which is kind of, all of a sudden, inspiring a future and possible happy couple post ... hmmm ... check back soon.Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-55648852956102324252013-08-28T18:03:00.000-05:002013-09-05T09:30:27.692-05:00Wrangling<i>Wrangling</i> (as in to round up; to take charge of). I've been doing that with an idea -- trying to articulate the point of this post -- in my mind the majority of this short but beautiful summer.<br />
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My point is a somewhat long-ish, but I hope thought-provoking-ish, story involving a wedding, a happy couple named Lindsay and Brad (right), some former gang-members (not pictured), a priest, a high school gymnasium, a few tattoos, fancy french fries, kindness, some donuts, gentleness ... and ... well ... here goes.<br />
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In early June I attended the graduation ceremonies of one of my favorite organizations in the twin cities: Cristo Rey High School. I believe I've written about them before; they've touched my heart in a way that I won't even try again to articulate (always sounds trite). But, fact is: Cristo Rey is an innovative college-prep HS (it's a network of schools, actually, nation-wide - SO FAB!) serving some of our most under-served youth. Not at all trite, they have a very cool concept and are demonstrating very real results. As I have many other Junes since they opened, I showed up to cheer on this year's superstar set of seniors pass over the stage, and on into their next stage of life.</div>
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Their commencement speaker was Fr. Greg Boyle, author of <i>Tattoos On The Heart </i>and founder of Homeboy Industries. If either of the above are new to you, google them. As in now. Because you'll commence being wildly inspired. Homeboy and its social enterprises work with thousands of high-risk, formerly gang-involved men and women, giving them a chance for job training, tattoo removal and a new life. (E.g., Homeboy Bakery. What a concept! I need a donut.) Fr. Boyle is the mastermind.<br />
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You didn't have to share the faith beliefs of Fr. Boyle to nod in agreement with his primary message that warm summer day in CR's large gymnasium in S. Minneapolis: "Cristo Rey is not a place you come <i>to</i>, but a place you go <i>from</i>." </div>
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Indeed, the 100+ graduating students enrolled and worked incredibly hard. For four years. Learning more than 4 years worth of material and facts and social skills and college-readiness. Each is beating the odds society set up for him/her. But who cares, basically? (Of course we do). But Fr. Boyle was saying: it's now what you <i>do</i> with what you've been given, and where you <i>go</i> from here.</div>
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His point, made many times over with mind-blowing stories of gang members turned successful leaders, and of former prison inmates turned highly-competent parents, partners and community members, was clear: you are just beginning! And what a beginning you have. You will make good, if you <i>choose</i>. And now go on and show us. And while you do, be sure to give generously and with goodness to the world. And to yourselves. And always to others. (My interpretations, not his exact words.)<br />
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Not a single person in that large high school gymnasium (my husband and I among them) didn't walk out feeling ultra-inspired. </div>
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In contrast (but not really): the very next week I found myself (lucky me!) at the wedding of the loveliest and most adorable couple. Set in a most gracious and historic of downtown St. Paul landmarks, Lindsay and Brad were married. And I was thrilled to be witness. They are two of the kindest people -- the most authentically and beautifully gentle and gracious couples -- I've met in a long-ish time. <br />
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Basically, in 10 words or less, their wow-worthy wedding was [don't count inside parentheses]: Simple, elegant, gentle, meaningful, understated, stylish, warm (in the loving sense) and (gosh darn it, it must be said), plain old FUN. Oh, and absolutely lovely. It's worth saying twice: pure <i>lovely</i>!<br />
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Their celebration had an authenticity - a beauty from within - that so many lack. And believe me, I've been to a <i>LOT</i> of weddings. Over my short 43 years. In many states. Wearing a lot of LBD's and/or taffeta (80's - cringe). Listening to a lot of hefty and holy hymns. And soloists. And trumpets. Plus a few organs (okay, a gaggle of organs if we could collect in one space). And generic vows. And chicken dances (not that there's anything wrong with that. Nor is there anything wrong with a cold Bud Light in a plastic cup. I'm just sayin').</div>
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Lindsay and Brad's celebration was <i>signature</i> Lindsay and Brad, who have an admirable, loving and gentle (also, perfectly stylish - without trying too hard) way of being in the world. And it instilled in me a sense that, no question, they didn't just plan their wedding as <i>the big even</i>t to which they came. Rather, they seem to know exactly where they are <i>going from</i> that day forward and where they were going <i>to</i>: into a healthy, loving and kind life-long partnership.<br />
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From the perfectly appointed invitation to the contemporary and supra-fabulous french fry buffet, their celebration oozed simplicity and beauty ... a thoughtful but relaxed, classy, not-trying-to-impress sensibility ... one I felt deep in my happy-couple-core is going to serve them perfectly (and everyone they meet) as they go <i>from</i> that day, into the life of the hard-won, yet totally worth it, shared-existence of a happy, respectful, and uber-cool (in the "we are enough" sense) couple. </div>
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The point of this lenghty-ish, summer-long-conceived, but hopefully worth it post? If you haven't figured it out already:<br />
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We're all on a journey from what <i>was</i> or <i>is</i> to what is <i>next</i>. What will you choose to do and be (especially in your relationships)? Of course, I invite you to select, wherever you're headed, <i>kindness and gentleness.</i> And pure authenticity - whatever that looks like in your soul. Like Fr. Boyle. Like Lindsay and Brad. And like the gang members making donuts and fluffy iced cakes. The other choice is, well, not so attractive. I'm committing (not always succeeding, but at least trying) to choose as much. Join me?<br />
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-82079285555036281572013-08-14T12:30:00.000-05:002013-08-14T12:30:19.775-05:00New (Academic) Year Resolution!Yes, yes, yes. It's that time of year for academics to make a clean start! We head into fall with great optimism, a renewed sense of "let's get on with the learnin'," clean desks, sharp pencils and a fresh perspective on the year ahead. A significant part of my "back to school" pledge to you, loyal happy couple readers (insert big HEART), is at least one post per week for the next 10 months.<br />
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I know - wow. That's a big promise. Especially after nearly abandoning you for the past 5 months. But, alas, I owe it to you followers and, well, to myself; your comments - both in person and via email/post/reply - make me a happier person! And, truth revealed, this year is looking quite sweet in the world of this happy academic: I'm on a one-year sabbatical from teaching to work on new books (stay tuned) and new research (all about happy relationships, of course). As such, I'm dedicated to a (re)newed focus on blogging about all the fabulous findings about relating I'm reviewing as I go about my projects. Let's get to it, eh? ...<br />
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And why not start with that oh-so-dreaded-emotion -- when it's coming at us -- anger.</div>
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I'm linking below to one of those "ah ... stinkin' smart!" explanations about basic communication between couples. A dear friend sent this along the other day. Her subject line: "Thought of you." My thought when I read the April 23rd post by Peter Bergman ("What to do when you've made someone angry"): "Must share with Happy Couple readers! Like pronto." </div>
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Don't skip this one; it's a wicked smart and crazy simple (but brilliant) explanation and formula. I'm actually looking forward to my next argument so I can test drive the rock solid advice of Ken Hardy, marriage therapist featured in the piece.</div>
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<a href="http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/04/what-to-do-when-youve-angered.html">http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/04/what-to-do-when-youve-angered.html</a></div>
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And to all you readers, I hope you're happy I'm back in the WHCD saddle. Giddy up!</div>
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-13337658611240849822013-03-12T20:32:00.000-05:002013-03-12T20:35:27.407-05:00Marriage Trouble? Listen In ...... to this podcast on mom<b>enough</b>.com (one of my favorite Minnesota-based resources with a national reach, developed by two really amazing women) featuring Dr. Bill Doherty (one of my favorite colleagues/researchers/therapists/all-around-awesome human beings, also here in Minnesota). You probably know Dr. Doherty's name if you read at all about healthy marriage and family; he's the author of many books which tell us exactly what to do if we want to keep things working well in our most important relationships. In fact, Doherty's research has inspired much of my own. Infinite thanks as always, Bill.<br />
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On this podcast, he tells us about what to do if your marriage is in trouble. Fascinating stuff here (e.g., he shares his research on the "divorce super highway" and "couples on the brink!"). No matter your status, you'll be glad you listened in:<br />
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<a href="http://momenough.com/2012/12/are-you-struggling-in-your-marriage-or-do-you-know-someone-who-is" target="_blank">http://momenough.com/2012/12/are-you-struggling-in-your-marriage-or-do-you-know-someone-who-is </a><br />
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As always, great job Bill and co-host/mother-daughter team Erin and Marti! Minnesota HEARTs your efforts and, as always, your approach.Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-32321824826389354032013-02-06T09:00:00.000-06:002013-02-06T09:02:07.072-06:00Re-Committing! Happy February Happy Couple Readers! Yes, it's been a month or two (darn it - sorry) since the last post, but in the month of all-things-valentine-and-LOVEly, I'm re-committing to weekly posts as has been the "ritual" (you know what I'm talking about - oh yea) of the WHCD blog. The word <i>re-committing</i> is, of course, quite intentional, just like we all must be in our relationships if -- the big IF -- we want to keep them, yep, happy.<br />
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A local reporter and really intentional, cool wife and mom Angela Davis of WCCO/CBS Twin Cities stopped by the University of St. Thomas last week and we had a chance to chat about a loving little <i>escape</i> ritual that she and her husband of nearly 2 decades have been sustaining. She told me off camera that such escapes are indeed one of the secrets to her VERY happy marriage. I can't tell you more about those specifically; this is a G-rated Blog you know. But, very much on the record and on camera (link below), I told Angela that she's absolutely on to something that research shows is, indeed, really REALLY good for your relationship. Take a look (and then, darn it, commence booking your own little get away!): http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2013/02/05/what-happy-couples-do-to-stay-happy-get-away/<a href="http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2013/02/05/what-happy-couples-do-to-stay-happy-get-away/" target="_blank">http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2013/02/05/what-happy-couples-do-to-stay-happy-get-away/</a><br />
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<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-67143814933406710322012-12-04T19:55:00.001-06:002012-12-05T05:25:21.536-06:00Self-Evident<span style="font-family: Tahoma;">I know, I know. I'm <i>SLOW</i> on the posts lately. It's quite sweet to hear from those of you who miss them, though. My only excuse is actually a quite practical and fabulous one, I'd say: the life of an involved mom and partner co-raising two teens is, well, quite involved. The good news: it's also a quite lovely time of life and I'm enjoying every nutty moment. Okay, I just lied. I don't enjoy <i>every</i> moment. But, probably about 94% of them. Not bad. But not good when you're wanting to be an active blogger and sharer-of-happy-relationship-knowledge.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma;">But, let's get to the point. This happy post is best made - and rather quickly too - by simply quoting an email from a student and received two days ago. Why it made this happy-couple-researcher-author quite delighted is, well, self-evident:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13px;"><i>Dr. Bruess, </i></span><br />
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<i>I am excited to tell you what happened over thanksgiving weekend. I have been babysitting for this wonderful family for years. It is a family of six and they have the most beautiful children with so much talent, and you can literally feel the love and warmth in their home. The mom inspires me because she is so put together and on top of things and I know she works very hard at her marriage and for her kids. Anyways, I was babysitting overnight and _______ (the mom) insisted I sleep in her bed and she laid out all this blissful bath stuff so I could relax, just so adorable. Then on her bed stand was your book "What Happy Couples Do." I wasn't the least bit surprised that she read the book because she and [her husband] are clearly a happy couple. </i></div>
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The moral of the story? Take the time to send nice emails of little moments to those in your life you adore, appreciate and love. I'm not saying this student adores, appreciate and loves me. But ... well ... it's quite nice to receive such a note (and, speaking from experience, sending them is even better)!</div>
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And if those emails you create and send happen to be about the secrets, moments and stories of happy couples, be sure to 'cc me too. </div>
Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-30165990836967021712012-10-21T19:44:00.001-05:002012-10-21T19:59:02.768-05:00Sew SweetWhat <i>do </i>happy couples do?<br />
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I'm not ever fully sure, but I think I saw yet another glimpse of it last week, and in my basement no less. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(multicolor thread image from thecraftysister.files)</span><br />
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While I typically don't like to make the happy couples blog a feature about me and my pal (the two middle-aged, midwesterners going on 21 years of a mundane but happy marriage), I can't stop thinking about this little moment last week, one which reveals what I think is a tiny yet grand part of the happy couple equation, at least for us.<br />
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While I was doing something I <i>LOVE</i> to do -- sew and design vintage-inspired clothing -- while preparing for a big event being held at our university (for some reason they invited <i>me</i> to be the emcee as we announced a $515 million capital campaign success - oh, wow!), my sweet spouse was spied out of the corner of my eye observing my late-night and early-morning stitching, cutting, ripping of seams, steaming, pressing, re-stitching and fitting.<br />
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"Watching you sew makes me happy" he said.<br />
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Wow. I didn't know that. Or, actually, I think I did. <i>Did</i> I?<br />
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I guess I did, as I thought about it, because what typically makes <i>me</i> happy is what makes <i>him</i> happy. And vise versa (him: jiggin' for walleye & hangin' with his dad and mine). But I guess I sort of forgot. Yet I didn't and I do always know as much deep down. But even so, it was his verbal acknowledgement-of-admiration that reminded me, as well as built and warmed me up, last week ... and is still well into this one.<br />
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What if we all had such a command of how to "amplify the other," the beautiful words of Dr. Tom Faase, our late friend and mentor featured in a blog post once upon a time here at WHCD?<br />
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<i>Magic</i>, I say. In my case, <i>sew</i> <i>very</i> magical: that my spouse adores my favorite hobby and seeing me practicing it! [Photo of the finished product, under the bright stage lights, here]:<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">photo by University of St. Thomas photographers</span><br />
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Sew (so!), here's the question for you: Might you shift your thinking (and your language) toward appreciating and acknowledging something your sweet partner or even friend does, loves or appreciates ... just because it is indeed what she/he does, loves or appreciates? And you must do so for no other reason than it <i>is </i>what it is, and nothing more or less. That kind of simplicity, indeed, is what's magical about being in a relationship.<br />
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<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-72076116346514802382012-10-07T16:20:00.001-05:002012-10-07T16:29:23.452-05:00Ridiculous. Or Not? That's not the POINT.As a marriage researcher as well as communication professor, I'm forever attempting to keep up with the latest research, as well as cultural conversations about my two favorite topics. Yes, you know them: "Happy" and "Couple!" No big news there, I know.<br />
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Some of the most intriguing articles I find are those posted by the CCF (Council on Contemporary Families) from major news outlets around the country. They highlight the research and thinking of the best couple/family/marriage scholars in the world, citing CCF-members' work, scholarship and smart (almost always) thoughts about all-things family and relationships.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NZWwCY2Pc-s/UHHyiD_3N4I/AAAAAAAAAvc/o6-5S7yRvD4/s1600/Screen+shot+2012-10-07+at+4.21.34+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NZWwCY2Pc-s/UHHyiD_3N4I/AAAAAAAAAvc/o6-5S7yRvD4/s320/Screen+shot+2012-10-07+at+4.21.34+PM.png" width="314" /></a>Today I was reading an article published in the New York Times last week. Yep - I'm way behind in life (hence why I haven't been posting much lately; sorry loyal readers!) As I read the piece, I scratched my head and furrowed my brow (or do you furrow both brows?) Anyway, my brows were doing something as I tried to discern the key question of the piece: would making marriage a 20-year (or even shorter-year) contract result in happier partnerships?</div>
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Before I read the article I wanted to say (scream. Okay, I wanted to yell a bit): WHAT? That's SO dumb!</div>
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But as I read, I realized that while the concept might be odd and altogether outright ridiculous, the <i>point</i> of both researchers and everyday folks alike trying to figure out happiness in coupledom is that ... duh ... we really do want to figure it out (how to be happy and how to be a great couple). We do! And maybe some day we will. </div>
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Until then, give this article "Till Death, or 20 Years, Do Us Part" by Matt Richtel a read</div>
<span style="color: #0000ee; text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/30/fashion/marriage-seen-through-a-contract-lens.html" target="_blank">Till Death, Or 20 Years, Do Us Part by Matt Richtel</a> </span>and while you do ... whether you think it's a ridiculous, dumb idea or a really innovative approach to an old institution ... simply vow to stay in the conversation! </div>
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The <i>point</i> of the contracts and "ridiculous" suggestions and new/old models and even good-old-fashioned controversies about couple-hood is that we do, essentially, want to collectively figure this stuff out. We do, I believe, want to figure the happy couple stuff out so we can <i>all</i> get it right.<br />
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I know, right? That, dear friends and strangers, is a really good idea. Period. </div>
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-54338952250729202022012-08-21T10:02:00.005-05:002012-08-21T10:03:34.137-05:00Happy Couples in Japan?<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Continuing the "Quiet" post of last week ...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I was, of course, quite curious and asked many questions about the state of "happy
couples" when in Japan. Ironically - or not - an article appeared in The Japan
Times shortly after our arrival ("The Truth about Japanese Love: We just
don't get along" by Karori Shoji, June 18, 2012) and revealed the perspectives
of at least one Japanese woman/journalist who says that there is wide
unhappiness between men and women in modern Japanese relationships. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9QopPsdQt2c/UDOg7BcUodI/AAAAAAAAAvI/MXXIp8W_gt8/s1600/Couples.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9QopPsdQt2c/UDOg7BcUodI/AAAAAAAAAvI/MXXIp8W_gt8/s200/Couples.jpeg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Not my photo, unfortunately, but found at http://japanese.lingualift.com/</span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Check out their site for simple explanations of Japanese customs and traditions.</span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Loved reading, </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: xx-small;">of course, about </span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Valentine's </span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Day in Japan, including</span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">the <span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #111111; line-height: 22px; text-align: justify;">giri-choco</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; line-height: 22px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"> (義理チョコ), or “obligatory chocolates."</span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">She argues
"Generally … Japanese women and men prefer to stick to their own
genders," citing that her grandfather even used to say "that men and
women should sit at the same table no more than once a week, because it led to
bickering and stress." Hmmm. Interesting advice. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I hear a little
Dialectical Theory in there, yes? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Shoji cites a long history of women not
appreciating many of the qualities/ways/traditions of "Japanese men"
going back to the first samurai to set up a shogunate who, according to
historians and sociologists, was no match - despite his conniving and
calculating ways - for his wife who was the ultimate victor over him and his
wealth/success. As a result of women's and men's contempt/distrust/dislike of
each others' ways much of the time (my paraphrase), she says women in Japan
have been finding many ways to distance themselves from men. For example, an </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">obvious/contemporary example are </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">women-only train
cars. Other examples manifest in daily practices, usually ones that are not at all subtle and reflect the gender separations of men/women
in Japan: "women's" menus and feminine hotel satchels given
to female guests, containing items of interest to women, of course, to comfort,
beautify, and pamper. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-905O24LK548/UDOfpf5FxYI/AAAAAAAAAvA/ZdA5w-_o9tM/s1600/310866416_55f2cdd778.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="203" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-905O24LK548/UDOfpf5FxYI/AAAAAAAAAvA/ZdA5w-_o9tM/s320/310866416_55f2cdd778.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">We didn't get to take photos of the wedding we saw,<br />but it looked a whole lot like this one which I<br />found using my handy google machine<br />www.bestdestinationweddings.com</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Despite the news that
men and women don't like/love one another according to this <i>one</i> article, I have asked as
often as I can - casually among friends/acquaintances/hosts in Japan and before I left and after I've returned - about
love/marriage in Japan. The word <i>on the street</i> (real scientific, I know) is that women have quite a bit
of power ... mostly because most women manage ALL finances
of the family. Such is a tradition that continues to this day in, as I've discerned, almost all Japanese families. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Anyway, so much more to learn and explore. We did get a pretty cool
peek at a wedding taking place at a Shinto shrine during one of our class excursions, and also observed a couple getting their wedding photos taken -
they wore traditional wedding kimono - in Japanese central garden/park in
Tokyo. Cool! And quite beautiful, both of those occasions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">My naive perspective:
happy couples everywhere have struggles, and some find great joy, but always
with work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-47470012612196434582012-08-17T22:45:00.001-05:002012-08-21T09:38:49.932-05:00We were with some friends<br />
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So ... yesterday we visited some friends who live out of state and
have, what we’ve already and often observed, is a deeply happy marriage. It’s
not just a delightful, joy-filled partnership; it’s also a long-term one of
over 40 years.<o:p></o:p></div>
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While we don’t know them as intimately as friends we might have known for
decades, it felt fully okay over dinner and some delightful pinots last evening to plainly
ask: “What would you say to a couple who desires your type of happiness in
marriage? What’s your deal?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“He’s my hero."</div>
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I’ll call her Julia and she didn’t hesitate for even a
moment to describe her admiration for what her best friend and partners is, has become, does, and
represents. She wasn’t talking about his work, although his vocation is unquestionably
admirable too … fully selfless.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“And she is mine.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xHS1XKwPtuU/UC8QDfpWvLI/AAAAAAAAAuw/yNC3l2s_qIo/s1600/HYDRANGEA.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xHS1XKwPtuU/UC8QDfpWvLI/AAAAAAAAAuw/yNC3l2s_qIo/s200/HYDRANGEA.jpeg" width="149" /></a>I’ll call him James, who was quickly and fully as sincere
and authentic as they both are about life, love, relationships … of all kinds. So much evidence of such, all around them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My dear pal/partner/spouse and I drove to where we were
staying that night. Yep, that’s what we keep hearing from the happy couples, and yet again this night: It's the a<i>mplification of the other</i> (indeed, the idea resonates from a post from long ago, thanks Dr. Faase), deep admiration (not fake – totally real),
and full respect of who the other is, will be, has journeyed, is becoming, will
yet grow to embody.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Neat. Period.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And another great lesson from a wildly, in-their-element,
just darn full-of-life happy couple.<o:p></o:p></div>
Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-14477960589207298112012-08-12T19:14:00.001-05:002012-08-12T19:14:35.498-05:00Quiet (静かな)<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">The Happy Couple Blog
has been oddly quiet this summer, hasn’t it? </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Wassup</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> with that, sista? I know, right?</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lr3NvDKKC5k/UChDyelz8uI/AAAAAAAAAtc/IleWrA6t9sM/s1600/IMG_2558.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lr3NvDKKC5k/UChDyelz8uI/AAAAAAAAAtc/IleWrA6t9sM/s200/IMG_2558.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Mostly, it was a
month of teaching and traveling in Japan with a dozen students, my own kids, my
spouse and my pal/assistant instructor Chie. Whew. The journey was … so many of
you have kindly asked? In a single, often-overused word: INCREDIBLE. And fabulous. And amazing. And, well, life-changing (for my kids, and hopefully the students too).</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EG8ZIWxekyI/UChD6NXEXqI/AAAAAAAAAts/44oae-sW_Ho/s1600/IMG_2610.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EG8ZIWxekyI/UChD6NXEXqI/AAAAAAAAAts/44oae-sW_Ho/s200/IMG_2610.jpg" width="150" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">But it surely and
unexpectedly threw me off the blogging-track. While the bullet trains were
always dizzyingly swift, my recovery from jet lag time was nothing of the sort.
But the upside is that the <i>quiet</i> of
the post-Japan weeks has allowed needed and fruitful reflection time about many
of life’s quirky ways, especially what we loud and talkative happy couples of
the West might learn from the more <i>quiet </i>Japanese
ways of the East.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">While the communication
and interaction style in Japan is – don’t get me wrong – not all about being <i>quiet</i>, <i>hushed</i> or <i>low-in-vocal-volume</i>,
it is for sure guided by the cultural urgency to always preserve <i>wa</i></span><span lang="JA" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'MS P明朝';">平和</span><span lang="JA"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">(harmony). And I mean always: in every context and interaction. What a
cool concept, <i>wa</i>. Often it’s simply the
<i>shhhhhh</i> … the being a bit more <i>quiet </i>… the <i>non-disturbance</i> of others. But more than that, <i>wa</i> is a deeply-ingrained way of living, being, and doing, well,
everything you do. Preserving <i>wa</i>
seems it would be a natural no-brainer goal for us happy couples, right? Right!
It surely resonates most loudly in my overly-talkative, busy U.S. American
brain, something we can attempt to apply <i>here</i>,
borrowing from the experiences and approaches of couples and individuals <i>there</i>. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-himw26YNua4/UChD2EJWYzI/AAAAAAAAAtk/wmPJgqFyogM/s1600/IMG_2585.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-himw26YNua4/UChD2EJWYzI/AAAAAAAAAtk/wmPJgqFyogM/s200/IMG_2585.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">The Japanese widespread
practice of, and high value placed on <i>gaman,
</i>is an intriguing <i>wa</i> manifestation.
Gaman? Some say it defies translation. I learned it as calm forbearance and grace,
especially in the face of adverse situations or events. Essentially, gaman
knows the answer: “Why bother others with your emotions or burden them with
your needs?” Gaman is deeply instilled in the Japanese from the time you are
born; you must always carry on with grace; with <i>quiet</i> </span><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">perseverance;
and with poise. G<i>ambaru</i>: to do your
best. To be strong. (Oh, and to do so without having to talk about it, yell
about it, let everyone know about it, or to scream, kick and grumble your way
through it).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vslipL_64JM/UChECP_N0bI/AAAAAAAAAuI/y2rrfcWtMCE/s1600/IMG_2771.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vslipL_64JM/UChECP_N0bI/AAAAAAAAAuI/y2rrfcWtMCE/s200/IMG_2771.JPG" width="200" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">While
gaman is a manifestation of wa, an intriguing manifestation of gaman is one’s
“honne” and “tatemae.” The unscholarly Wikipedia offers a tidy explanation: </span><b><i><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Honne</span></i></b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> and <b><i>tatemae</i></b>
represent the contrast between a person's true feelings and desires (<b><i>honne</i></b> </span><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E6%9C%AC%E9%9F%B3" title="wikt:本音"><span lang="JA" style="color: #663366; font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ ProN W3"; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">本音</span></a></span><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">) and the behavior/opinions
one displays in public (<b><i>tatemae</i></b> </span><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E5%BB%BA%E5%89%8D" title="wikt:建前"><span lang="JA" style="color: #663366; font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ ProN W3"; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">建前</span></a></span><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">).</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> It’s the substance and the form. It’s being direct
versus being diplomatic. It’s the reason and the pretext. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 13.5pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8u7XTTkxh5A/UChEFm9mTmI/AAAAAAAAAuQ/N9HnnMAIECg/s1600/IMG_2812.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8u7XTTkxh5A/UChEFm9mTmI/AAAAAAAAAuQ/N9HnnMAIECg/s200/IMG_2812.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></div>
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While some of us
in the West might call tatemae deceptive, the impetus for tatemae is … duh …
happiness. The goal is harmony. It’s the answer “nope” to the question “Do I
need, right now, to burden you with my negative thoughts, comments and opinions?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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When I learned of <i>honne</i> and <i>tatemae</i> I immediately thought of the theoretical underpinnings
grown out of research on U.S. relationship dynamics: good old Dialectical
Theory. If you’ve been a long-time reader of the HC blog, you know what DT
tells us about the beautiful messiness of healthy relationships. That we must
forever manage the simultaneous but opposing needs for openness and closedness,
revealing and concealing, and being close versus having a little “space.” Such
are the needs that always pull. Such are unrelenting. And yet accepting them as
normal and never completely “in balance” is a key to happy relationships in the
long haul, according to DT. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uxzq-cgEPIY/UChD_QrOFBI/AAAAAAAAAuA/0wz4XJBuAuA/s1600/IMG_2721.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uxzq-cgEPIY/UChD_QrOFBI/AAAAAAAAAuA/0wz4XJBuAuA/s200/IMG_2721.jpg" width="150" /></a><i>So … gaman</i>, <i>honne </i>and <i>tatemae</i>? Maybe
they teach us that even here in a culture where we prize verbal expression and
making sure we’re heard and felt, usually clearly and often loudly, maybe a
slightly more Japanese approach is one of the keys to long-term happy
coupledom? Could <i>quieting</i> our negative
and critical thoughts open a space for seeing a moment, a movement, a partner’s
actions more kindly and generously. Some say the Japanese have elevated <i>tatemae</i> to an art. I say that
successfully navigating our relationships over decades is for sure a fine art,
and always an un-finished practice. And learning when we should say what we’re
thinking in any culture is, surely, a very high art. No, it’s not one I have
mastered.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lOUJMlM_jRs/UChDsoxd4EI/AAAAAAAAAtU/cLirEakEiu0/s1600/IMG_2959.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lOUJMlM_jRs/UChDsoxd4EI/AAAAAAAAAtU/cLirEakEiu0/s200/IMG_2959.jpg" width="150" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
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With that in mind,
I’ll continue this post in a few days with more on what we happy couples can
learn from Japanese couples. It’s a myth to think they have it all figured out
and are all blissfully happy. Hold your sushi. For instance, later this week I’ll
blog about an article that ran in <i>The
Japanese Times</i> while we were in Tokyo: “The Truth About Japanese Love: We Just
don’t get along.” Intriguing stuff.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TloA3LaxknM/UChDobWaOgI/AAAAAAAAAtM/13xdGPyGYds/s1600/IMG_2974.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TloA3LaxknM/UChDobWaOgI/AAAAAAAAAtM/13xdGPyGYds/s200/IMG_2974.jpg" width="200" /></a>Until then, arigatogozimasa
for not giving up on the HC blog and for reading again! It’s great to be back
at the keyboard! Yes, the exclamation points are my honne AND tatemae speaking!
Woo! (Can one do both of those at once?) Who knows. If not, <i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">sumimasen</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">, which means my apologies, sorry, excuse me, and/or forgive me. It also
works when saying "thank you," so it's quite the handy word. While in
Japan I used it every day, most of the day. One word and you’re good. Sweet! So
that makes me think: what if we had a single, nimble, awesome word like that
here in the U.S.? Probably, we’d have happier people and nicer relationships.
There’s got to be a million-dollar happy couple idea in there somewhere, I know
right? </span><span style="font-family: 'ヒラギノ角ゴ ProN W3';">チャットしよ</span><span style="font-family: 'ヒラギノ角ゴ ProN W3';">う</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">. Let’s chat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-73712567021946047912012-05-29T18:02:00.001-05:002012-05-29T18:02:20.335-05:00Five Myths about MarriageDid you see the Washington Post Opinion page last week by Stephanie Coontz, one of my favorite historians and experts on marriage? Well, never fear if you didn't, I've linked it below.<br />
<br />
Who is Coontz? (that has a nice ring to it). Dr. Coontz is a professor of history and family studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA and Co-Chair and Director of Public Education at the Council on <a href="http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">Contemporary Families</span></a>, a non-profit, nonpartisan association of family researchers and practitioners based at the University of Illinois at Chicago. I like (appreciate and applaud - better words) Coontz's work for a number of reasons, mostly because she always bases her writing on great research, she seeks to disabuse the oft-held/wide-spread myths about family and marriage, and she usually summarizes the most contemporary scholarship on family/marriage in 10 seconds flat (I know ... I know ... I have a lot to learn from her). A big shout out to Stephanie Coontz here! And while you cheer, check out her latest article in the Washington Post:<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-marriage/2012/05/25/gJQAofiMqU_story.html">Five Myths About Marriage by Stephanie Coontz in Washington Post</a> </span>http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-marriage/2012/05/25/gJQAofiMqU_story.htmlCarol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-80790027221514073652012-05-28T22:44:00.004-05:002012-05-28T22:44:43.902-05:00Yep ... it's a ritualYes, the family ritual strikes again, like it or not soon-to-be-driving-teenager.<br />
<br />
Our son - 16 this weekend - says "NO WAY" to the family tradition (the rather large, obnoxious wanna-be-martha-stewart-door-ish-but-not-even-close sign announcing your age).<br />
<br />
We say: "YES, WAY!" Like it.<br />
<br />
Whatever.<br />
<br />
Door sign on your birthday? Always.<br />
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Happy Birthday to our always "kid." Yes, you'll always be our little (<i>not so - sad face - but super cool</i>) first-born child.<br />
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<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5622542519010439910.post-65983733979686493912012-05-23T22:07:00.001-05:002012-05-24T14:47:42.674-05:00What the heck?I know, right? Where have the posts been? Sorry, loyal readers! So kind of you to write and inquire if everything's okay. Awwww.<br />
<br />
And here's what I've said - with a smile, of course - to you who've noted an absence: The end-of-semester is for academics like tax-season must be for accountants. Invigorating! Nuts. Crazy. Thank goodness for it (lucrative?!) But amen that it is over. Exhale.<br />
<br />
Thanks for <i>logging back in</i> and not losing faith in the <i>What Happy Couples Do</i> Blog. Amen for you, I say. Exhale. Repeat. Ahhhh.<br />
<br />
A couple of (pun) things as I get back at it:<br />
<br />
1. Okay, so I and my family are heading to Japan for part of the summer. I'm teaching study abroad. And my sweet 15 year old's response? "I don't like rice." Ugh. Anyway, expect some hopefully neat (I'm optimistic) observations about couples who are influenced by confucianism. Yay! Issues and cultural values of harmony <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 24px;"><span class="">調和</span></span> ("Wa") consume me lately ... and will be my lens while in Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima and Kusatsu. While the course is about interpersonal and intercultural communication more generally, I have - no surprise - assigned a reading to my students titled "Intercultural Marriages in Japan: Cultural Conflict and Harmony." We'll see. Might I discern significance for happier couples right here in the complicated U.S.? 絶対に Surely, right? My dear sweet hubby and I are going to be spending some much-anticipated time with his BFF (also named Brian) and his wife Yuka (+ their two cheeky Japanese wonders, age 4 and 6). I'm proposing to friend-Brian that we do a little research on rituals of connection in a Japanese context. He's got a Ph.D. in Japanese stuff and lives a cross-cultural marriage. I've got a degree in marriage stuff ... and I live a life of intense curiosity about why it's so dang fun -- yes, and hard -- to stay happily married for 72 years. Arigato gozimasa. Oh yea! (and oh so U.S. American to say as much, I know, right?).<br />
<br />
2. Tonight at 5 p.m. I did a little (yes, real-time makes me nervous) <i>live</i> segment with Twin Cities' Fox 9 news, commenting on the much-publicized "relationship contract" issued between Mark Zuckerberg and his new wife Pricilla Chan. In a word: billion dollar idea, Pricilla! Why? But, of course, she basically was saying to billionaire husband: "I'm making our rituals of connection - our relationship -- a priority." Amen, I say. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 24px;">アーメン </span>Watch, if you want (and yes, you have to watch the commercial first - be patient - but it's kind of funny anyway): <a href="http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/video?clipId=7321623&autostart=true">http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/video?clipId=7321623&autostart=true</a><br />
<br />
What do <i>you</i> think about the Mark-Pricilla contract?<br />
<br />
In addition to what I said on camera: I think a contract of the "let's stay connected" sort is one that simply gets out front of the whole deal and says "I anticipate that it might get tough ... and I want it to work!"<br />
<br />
But, honestly, what say <i>you</i>?<br />
<br />
3. More blogs soon, promise. Thanks for reading!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Carol Bruesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15966800206030790609noreply@blogger.com0