Healthy relationships ... Healthy lives.

Check out the great press we are enjoying in a just-released article in Women's Health (April, 2009, on newstands now).

Link to on-line version here: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-advice-1

Seeks Ironing and Folding

[Warning: If you read my, Carol's, latest University of St. Thomas blog, don't bother reading this one. It's almost identical. Double-dipping is the honest explanation although I do think the topic is worth double-audience-ing. Hope you agree!]

If someone asked you to develop a six-word statement of who you "are" – a half-dozen words capturing your entire life story - what would those six words be? Six words: No more, no less.

Inspired by bestselling book “Not Quite What I Was Planning,” (which, by the way, was inspired by Ernest Hemingway’s famous tale “For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn”), my co-professors and I recently asked students in one of course on communication and citizenship to write their six-word memoirs.

The results? Fascinating. Funny! Shocking. Sometimes heart-wrenching. Many of them made me worry about how poorly 19-22 year olds see themselves; most of them left me inspired by the creativity and complexity of human beings (at every age).

Since reading their essays I’ve been walking around thinking in six-word statements. It’s driving me nuts! “Move over lady, coming on through.” (said to myself as I piloted the family station wagon to and from swim team and gymnastic practices the other night). “Stop yelling at your sister, now!” (uttered in an embarrassingly loud voice, especially for someone who studies family happiness). Oops. But what really captures the core of my “story?” I pray I’m more than “hurry up, move on, go fast” and “be kind, calm and loving. NOW!” So I kept searching.

As I was folding my third load of laundry last night, peering out of the corner of my eye at a pile of to-be-graded papers from another class, I landed on my final six-word memoir: “Neat freak. Seeks ironing and folding.” That captures me perfectly! I adore order. Seek the end to chaos. Find true joy in making things, like piles of clothes and papers-needing-grading, organized again. Maybe because those tasks are so simple compared to making messy/conflicted/painful relationships neat and tidy. I try at those too, but often come up short.

This shot of my living room makes me VERY happy because EVERYTHING is in its perfect place. Even the lighting. Ah .... pure bliss.

Okay, but there is still more to me. How about: “Everything is better when it’s complete.” Close! I do love to “accomplish” things.

“Secret to life? Truth, chocolate, wine.” Now we’re getting somewhere.

Ugh. I can’t decide. Maybe what I’m looking for is advice? “Breathe. Be. Stop thinking so hard.” Good points, self.

I decided to ask students in another class what six-words they would choose to reveal their “selves.” They looked pensive and appeared to be thinking hard. No one answered. I told them to come back next class with their ideas. “It’s hard, isn’t it?” They nodded.

Later that day, as I was chatting with a neighbor, I suddenly asked her what her six-word statement of identity would be. She looked at me as if my dog had just pooped on her lawn. Huh?

It’s a hard but intriguing task, capturing your core identity and life story in only six-tiny-but-tasty-bites-of-words. But 86 mostly first-year college students did so. And quite brilliantly. Below is a sampling of what they came up with, a brief introduction to who they “are” as people, community members, students, brothers, young adults, multicultural beings, sugar-addicts, sleep-deprived adolescents, travelers, tom boys, identical twins, film-buffs, and faithful souls … :

Wait, don’t you know I’m kidding?

Spoiled? Of course I am.

Anxious procrastinating perfectionist needing more time.

Caught in a world of film.

Daddy’s little swimmer still passionately dreaming

Spontaneous Twin loves Starbucks and Change

Just trying to survive two cultures

Meticulously wrapped artist unbounded by love.

From largest city to … be announced.

Living in faith, yet with style.

Enjoying freedom as I gain responsibility

Much weirder than meets the eye.

The curtain lifted. Here I am.

I am stuck in the transition

My daily bowl of lucky charms.

Traveled the world and found myself

I’m whoever they say I am

Too complex for only six words

Are we too complex for only six words? Maybe so. As a family/marriage/communication researcher, teacher, author, community member, mother, daughter, friend and … well … there’s more … but I only get six words … I think my statement would be (reserving the right to edit those half-dozen words as my “self” evolves): “Building strong families, yours and mine.”

What would your six-word statement be? Or maybe it would be interesting to try this as a couple? What would joint-six-word statement be? I think I'll try that. Check back soon; I'll post what we come up with!

Guess what?

You can now read What Happy Parents Do on your iPhone! And soon, What Happy Couples Do too. Check it out:
http://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6641546.html?nid=2286&source=title&rid=1297856922

Ups and Downs

It's still the "little days" of February and we're all still smiling here in Minnesota (despite the 8 inches of snow scheduled to arrive on our sidewalks today). Ah, smiling. It's good for all even on the darkest days, no?

A smile emerged on my (Carol's) weary/tired/week-5-of-the-semester-and-have-33-papers-to-grade-face the other day when I opened my email and found a note from a student who graduated a couple years back. She reported an outcome of What Happy Couples Do that neither super-intuitive Anna nor extra-smart-Steve-the-editor nor I (I'll claim no special intellect here) would have predicted. Often, unpredictable moments like this bring a smile to my face. Because they catch me off guard in the most delightful of ways.

Here is an excerpt from the student's note:

Hello Dr. Bruess! I'm up in _______ now in law school and freezing my tail off.

Lately, I've been down and out because of a combination of things; law school is hard, [this city] is depressingly cold, I've been single for about 1.5 years (continually jovial on top, but increasingly dreary and lonely inside, which is emphasized by seemingly everyone in my law school class is on the hot track to happily-married-ever-after-dom). I've been feeling this way for a little over a month, since Christmas break when I got to see my family and old friends. After a month of feeling this way it begins to take its toll creating anxiety and more sadness. But something tonight brought be back to your book, "What Happy Couples Do" and those feelings went away. After reading a number of those stories I felt such relief thinking I'd have that some day too, but I'll just have to wait for it.

Sorry you'll probably wake up to a seemingly sad e-mail, but it has a happy ending. Thank you for such a book that has enlightenment for singles too! My new "de-saddening" plan is to read an excerpt from the book or your blog whenever I'm feeling a little too lonely up here....

I hope you're well

I'm more well every time I read one of these generous and heartfelt notes from a reader. About life. And its ups and downs. Because without the downs, would we really appreciate the up? When it comes to marriage and relationships and life, thank goodness for the downs (there are many) because they help spotlight the ups (and point them out to our busy little brains when they finally appear).

You hang in there, girl. I'll bet - in no time - your plan will work.

Relational Currencies (a fancy word for "loving gestures")

One of my (it's Carol here again) favorite concepts to teach in my Family Communication course is how, in our families and intimate relationships, we need to understand each other’s “relational currencies.” Relational currencies are those symbolic acts or statements used to express our love, care or concern for another person. For example, to some, receiving chocolate goodies on Valentine’s Day is a symbol of how the giver feels about them. Chocolate = love. For others, a heart-shaped card filled with affectionate phrases = love. To yet others, a call from a distant friend = “I care about you.” For me, waking up on Valentine’s Day to the smell of bleach and the sound sponges moving over tile (as my husband cleans the toilets, tubs and sinks) would be much more appreciated than cocoa, cards or calls. Cleaning the toilets = deep and passionate love for me, dear Valentine.


Here are a few recent observations of everyday folk who locked in (I'm pretty sure that's slang; just heard it after class) on the concept of "relational currencies":

It was at a recent book signing on campus, as Anna and I enjoyed conversation with students, colleagues, staff and administrators stopping by to chat about or acquire a book or two, when we saw a young male student hovering around the area. He looked as if he might have been studying late the night before and with eyes averting ours he finally approached and said out loud, although in a whisper: “Um, I’d like to get one of these.” He was pointing at What Happy Couples Do. We tried to ease his obvious discomfort with our unwitting enthusiasm: “Great! Can we inscribe it to you and someone special? Is it a gift?!” He fumbled to explain in a low and still hushed voice: “Yeah. It’s for my girlfriend.” His eyes shifted all around as if he was about to be caught doing something bad. “My friends told me that my girlfriend got me the coolest gift in the whole world and that I’d never be able to top it. Then I thought ‘a book about happy couples. That would do it.’” Dude, you are SO smart (that’s what we thought and then quickly said as much). Bravo! This young man had obviously learned about relational currencies. A book about relationships given from dating man to woman he is dating = “I LOVE YOU!” a million decibels strong.

Then just last week as I worked a little later than usual and the sun went down outside my office window, I heard a very light tap on my office door. I have to admit it startled me a bit; it was almost as if someone was wanting to knock, but not really. Although it only took seconds to open the door, by the time I did no one was there. But I saw a young man – a staff person in a neighboring department – about half way down the hallway. I gently called out “Hello! Were you looking for me?” He excitedly turned and came back to explain why he had come. With a similar shy/embarrassed/excited/eager/nervous voice of the young man at the book signing, he too talked in slightly hushed but rushed and excited tones. As he spoke he reached inside the little brown paper sack he held in his hands. “It’s such a pleasure to meet you. I was wondering … you see … I bought … for my girlfriend … well … I know she’d really like it if you’d be willing to sign this book I bought for her.” He pulls out the lunch-like sack a copy of What Happy Couples Do and admits with a chuckle that yes, he is “too cool” to carry around a copy of a happy couple book. “My colleagues might make fun of me.” Cute. I was touched by the gesture he was attempting to make for his girlfriend; he knew she “would LOVE the book” and that him purchasing and having it signed was an expression greater than any other he could think of. Wonder when he learned that action is often the most convincing means of expression?

And on the eve of our national holiday solely dedicated to the expression of love, it seems wildly appropriate to share one of my favorite stories from What Happy Couples Do. It was submitted by the couple’s daughter who had observed, for years, her parents’ long-standing Valentine’s Day ritual: a cost-free yet valuable method for each to express their love and adoration for one another. Might be one we all want to try out during these tough economic times. It’s called “A Priceless Valentine”:

My parents don’t have much money, and what they have they don’t like to spend on things they think are frivolous. So on Valentine’s Day they always go to a greeting card store together and pick each other out a card. They then read their cards out loud to each other. They also tell each other what they would have written in the card had they bought it. They get the sentiment without the expense and have developed a loving tradition that has been with them for many, many years.

The people we love are priceless, aren’t they? Make sure you’re DOing something to show them as much. And not just tomorrow, but every day.

The Little Days

That's what I (Carol) like to call both January AND February. Little days. And little days, to me, are the happy days. What about you?

Because happy days are days with no holidays to be fretting over (minus February 14th ... but no need to fret. Just love).

And no big turn of the calendar.



Nothing that big. Just time inside. With ourselves. A cup of hot liquid. And a newspaper. And with friends for no occasion. To regroup. Rethink. And, we hope, re-rack (that's what it's called when you go to bed after officially getting up for the day).

What if we all were able to capture the beauty in the little moments of those little days?

Like one of my BF's and, lucky me, neighbors - Betsy - does on an impressively regular basis in her blog about the funny/daily/real-time quotes of her kindergarten daughter, Claire. Check it out. It will make you smile. Because the little moments are really very big when we appreciate them, no?

http://clairequotes.blogspot.com/

[A final note to Claire: I'm totally not going to tell my kids about your idea of keeping all of your old band aids on a sheet of paper, even though I think the effort is commendable.]

Blogging (x 2)

Okay, some of you are on to me (it's Carol here). I've been moonlighting as a blogger for my day job.

Indeed, last September I was asked to become an official blogger for the University of St. Thomas. I'm sure it was because of the bajillions of happy readers of this Happy Couples Blog.

Okay, maybe not.

But, if you'd like, check out what's going in my little university life blog.stthomas.edu/thescroll/ . You'll notice I always find a way to work in a story about my kids, hubby, dog, friends and neighbors. Because if you're not writing about something you love, is it even worth writing? (Yes, students, I love you too. Usually. Sort of).


My latest Scroll blog on "Streamlining" was inspired by Gracie and her swimming buddies, pictured here. Ah, streamlining. One of my favorite and on-going goals in life.

A Few Academic Yahoos

Yes, we are both sort of academic yahoos. No, not crude or boorish (we hope). Just, per the definition "not very intelligent" outside of our area of specialty. We know.

But we also have two bits of academic news that has made us both exclaim to each other and anyone who will listen: "YAHOOO!"

First, Anna just had a paper submitted to a conference be selected as a "TOP PAPER." It might not sound like a big deal. But it is to us geeky academics. As a graduate student, to receive a top paper award is huge. And it gets even better: on the panel right after her will be presenting two of the biggest wigs in our field. BIG. HUGE. LARGE yahoooo, Anna!

And second, as I alluded to a few weeks ago in our blog, big news on my (Carol's) academic front as well. I was just awarded the biggest faculty grant awarded to folks at my institution. Beginning next year, I'll be a "University Scholar." And here's the most significant part of the deal: Half-time teaching for the next 3 years so I can dedicate the other half of my work time to writing and research. A HUGE yahoooo for Anna and I as we work toward writing more books. And developing our own theory. And presenting at conferences with a bunch of other communication yahoo's.

Life gives us so many reasons to yell yahoo. Thanks for listening to ours!

Some St. Paul Press!

My (Anna's) father-in-law called this morning to excitedly report, "I heard there is a great article about your book today on the cover of the 'life' section in the paper!"

Indeed there is. Carol did an excellent interview with the Pioneer Press, St. Paul's biggest newspaper. Click here to read.

And who is that couple illustrated on the front page accompanying the article? We'll never tell. But the couple does live in St. Paul and were a hoot to interview. Happy parents, indeed!

My Month...

...didn't include bribing children or fights at the ice-rink like Carol's. But it did indeed provide a much needed break from school. It started out with:

1. Our annual trip to Grand Marais, MN, with some great friends. We cross-country skied in sub-zero temperatures and warmed up in the hot-tub overlooking Lake Superior. We drank Manhattans and put together puzzles. We ate well and slept well.

2. Then we traveled to St. Cloud, MN to spend time with both of our families.

3. We went to my aunt and uncle's home to enjoy an Asian themed Christmas day celebration. Picture the whole family making sushi for the first time. One roll was even heart-shaped. It was most delicious, too. Our annual gift-exchange game included some very interesting items this year, as you might imagine. My brother, for instance, brought a year-long supply of fortune cookies. After all the dice were rolled, however, he ended up with an Asian makeup case. Guess who stuck it to him in the last 10 seconds? No, not me. The culprit was none other than my 80 year old grandmother! Hilarious.

4. Then we were able to make it back to Minneapolis just in time for our anniversary on the 30th. We spent our evening dining out at one of our favorite restaurants, 128 Cafe, and reminiscing about our special day and an eventful 3 years as a married couple.



5. Then I headed to Coldspring for our annual Mother-Daughter tea at the Pillar Inn. Followed by a fun night with my best friends from high school. Our next event? The Pillar Inn's summer Champagne tea in the garden. Sounds splendid to me. Crumpets anyone?

5. Between yoga, lunch dates, "adult malts," and dog-sitting, I'm finally refreshed and ready for spring semester. Or as ready as I'll ever be. Cheers to 2009.

We're BACK!

Miss us? Hope so!

We took a little unplanned break from blogging. For all you loyal readers: thanks for checking back. Truly. We missed us too.

And although you'd think, after more than a month hiatus from blogging we'd have something REALLY big to report. Not so much.

What we do have is a few little tidbits. Most of our bits add up to quite a bit of R&R over the holidays, even more bits of writing during those lovely post-holiday hours when the recycling is finally out and the thank you notes are mailed, and a nice bit of unplugging from student emails and calls among siblings arranging joint-gifts for our parents.

Here's what the last month adds up to:

12: The number of times my (Carol's) children were heard asking "Will we be receiving presents today?"
5: The average number of deep breathes I would take before answering.
7: The number of uncomfortable beds our family endured over a one-week span at various visits to relatives.
3: The number of times I actually paid my 8 year old cash to wear the christmas outfit I painstakingly picked out AND purchased for her. At full price. (Show me some empirical evidence that bribing is bad for your kids and their sense of style).


See? Doesn't she look cute in polka dots? (the hat was her idea)

78: The number of sugar cookies I (just me - Carol) consumed in precisely 2 weeks.
?: The undisclosed number of martinis I personally consumed (think chocolate, pom, dirty, cranberry .. not all at once but always shaken, not stirred).
-1: The number of lbs I gained (yes - hate me for my high metabolism). I can't help it.
6.5: The number of times we've been ice-skating - out doors - in the past 2 weeks! (One outing got cut in half because of a fight that broke out between two kids. Yes. Those were my kids).
3: The number of cheers you should yell out if you live in Minnesota and have learned to embrace the winters too.
99: The number of pages of our forthcoming book we (Anna and I) cranked out in the past month.
286: The approximate number of days until that fabulous new book should be on the shelves of bookstores everywhere.
50+: The number of times we hope you will simultaneously laugh and cry while reading our 3rd in the "Happy series."
Almost 1: The hour at which I'm writing this blog before I finally get to sleep. Yes, I'm the in-bed-at-exactly-10-type. But tonight, "argh" + "yeah" = insomnia. I (Carol) just received some really great news and am stirring with excitement. "What? Do tell?" Not yet. But check back.
9.5: The number of hours of sleep I need to be really happy. I'm in trouble.
2: The number my fingers make when I gesture my ultimate goal for the next year ("Peace.") In my life. And yours. Corny. But true.

Again, to our friends and readers: thanks for hanging in there with us during our temporary break. We promise great news, insights and stories in 2009 and beyond.

Peace. To you and all.

Showcase Minnesota on NBC

Watch the interview which aired today, December 1, on our local NBC affiliate, KARE 11:

http://www.showcaseminnesota.com/show/client_article.aspx?storyid=530632

Tis' always the season for talking about parenting and partnering.