EVENT - calling all happy women!

The University of St. Thomas Alumni Association is sponsoring an evening event featuring ... ta da ... me and Anna and our latest book: What Happy Women Do. And Anna is going to tell us a bit about her awesome dissertation about women and our work around holiday rituals. Fascinating stuff!

And what's both fascinating and a bit scary, the invitation to this talk just went out to over 10,000 UST alumnae. Yikes. And I did promise them I'd post the invitation to you ... the happy couple blog-reading fans. So, check out your invitation below. You ALL are welcome.

Seriously, you're ALL really, really welcome! No need to be connected to UST ... or even have been to campus before. The more the merrier, right? And, if not to hear us speak, there will be some free cookies and things to sip, I believe.

Oh, and a fresh stack of What Happy Women Do books will be for sale, personalized and autographed by the authors (yay!). Can you say "I just finished all of my holiday shopping, in one stop, for every woman in my life?" (YAY again!)



From the University of St. Thomas Alumni Association

Did you know that women who form close bonds and relationships with other women actually live longer and have less illness? These relationships are more powerful than you might think!

So grab your girlfriends, sisters, mothers and all of the women with whom you share strong bonds and enjoy a night saluting sisterhood and the rituals that sustain us.

This will be a great opportunity to engage in a fascinating discussion with two of UST’s most charismatic professors: Dr. Carol Bruess and Dr. Anna Kudak. Together, they have written “What Happy Women Do,” which will be featured during the discussion.

Come and celebrate the relationships that we share with important women in our lives, and find new ways to make them even stronger.

Register online by Nov. 11. All women are welcome, both alumnae and non-alumnae of UST!

When: Nov. 15, 7-8:30 p.m.
Where: O’Shaughnessy Educational Center auditorium, St. Paul campus

Also ...

... (an addendum to the blog from a few moments ago) ...

Little tiny feet make me happy, like these I captured today for a happy couple of their new little guy Adam. Awwww, I know. Look at those 14 day old little piggies. Super sweet.

Sweeeeeeeet!

An email from a colleague-friend the other day said "Just popped into Patina and saw your latest book. Must make you smile when you see it all over :-)!"

What makes me smile is when people put contagious-smiley-happy-emoticons in their emails (ok, and when spying the happy couple/parent/women books results in a grin on their faces of course).

The happy trio -- What Happy Couples Do, What Happy Women Do, and What Happy Parents Do -- have been spotted a bunch around town lately! The store people say ... ah, what a treat ... they often can't keep them on the shelves. Yay!

If you're not from around town, here is a peek at the hottest gift stores in Minneapolis/St. Paul. And, I'll tell ya what, these are the stores where I'm doing ALL of my holiday shopping in the coming months. Sorry, family and favorite pals, I'm breaking my 12-year streak of only hand-made gifts. Instead, brace yourself for some cool, hip, Minnesota-made creative stuff.

Oh, and now back to our sweeeeet book sightings:

At Patina:
http://www.patinastores.com/catalog/catalogsearch/result/?q=couple

At Bibelot Shops:
http://www.bibelotshops.com/index.php?view=search_catalog_results

And more at Bibelot
Happy Parents

At I Like You
http://www.ilikeyouonline.com/

And coming soon you'll also find us in .... SHHHH ... OH, that's RIGHT ... I can't tell yet! Sworn to secrecy.

Check back, right before BLACK FRIDAY. Ewwww, I can hardly stand the excitement. Can you?

Happy Couple Contagion

My besties have always given me solid and tailored advice, the most recent being "Don't go see the movie Contagion!" While the entertainment might be excellent, they know me too well: I'm already a tad freaked out by those tiny little things called germs. Ewww.

What I AM fond of is the research suggesting that happiness is contagious; and the research about how crucial it is, as a couple, to surround yourself with happy/healthy people who affirm you as a couple; and the research which confirms that having friends over is one of the key factors in happiness.

So, why don't we all do that - have our friends over - more?!

My husband and I asked ourselves that very question about 3 weeks ago.

And we answered it by, on a whim, by making invitations, sending them out, and throwing a "For No Reason" party. Inspired by our magical friends Jim and Bridget (see post from August "This is Big"), we gathered up a bunch of the affirming, fabulous, happy, smart, funny couples and singles and ... for no reason, well, except that their joy and happiness was contagious and thus we are better for them ... had a blast making the most of a mundane, non-holiday, no-purpose, beer-on-tap, average wine, easy snacks, balmy fall evening.

Thanks to all you cool people in my life. Because of you, we're a happier couple. That's the kind of contagion I like.

Let's do it again soon, k? Before we do, get your flu shots already.

Cliché? or Nay?

As my students all know, I'm a cheerleader of communication THEORY.

Nothing is, no chance, more useful than a great theory for helping us understand or explain things. You know, thing like what happy couples do. What happy parents do. Families. Women. Friends ... et al.

Dialectical Theory - one of my all-time theoretical besties - explains that relationships of all sizes and shapes require on-going navigation of our very human, simultaneous, and contradictory needs: like, being open with each other and being closed (telling and keeping secrets); like newness and sameness; like togetherness and independence. Send me an email if you'd like a bibliography on DT. Really. You can love theory too! Carol@whathappycouplesdo.com.

Speaking of love, I just read an interesting review of a new book on the topic. Okay, so I haven't read the book yet. But the thesis and research supporting it makes my dialectical-theory-loving-self say hmmmm ... Interesting. Is the fondness/heart/absence thing cliche? Either way, maybe you'll enjoy the review (and the actual book. I'll let you know when I'm done with it) too: Click here for full article

totally 4 ever

Of course it’s fun to write about weddings on the happy couple blog. A great wedding is, as we’ve all either experienced or observed, the epitome celebratory moment for almost every happy couple! Love 'em, always.

But more beautiful than the recent wedding of my very lovely colleague Maria and her equally exquisite partner Nate is a loving little symbol that – to this marriage researcher – is a sure sign that this pair is starting off on the right foot (feet?)




To commemorate their bond, Nate created them a custom couple-logo. You know, a signature of their new duo-world-order. Their own couple-signature. A sweet symbol which now represents their one-ness. And perfectly revealed to all the world on their hand-crafted, multi-fold wedding invitation.

Ok, is that not the most explicit sign of a couple intentionally nurturing their culture of two?

Indeed, this marriage researcher says, it is!



And if I might offer just one more dose of (personal and academic) affirmation for such a cool idea, here it is: a shout out to Maria and Nate, and any other couple out there who has done something similar or the same. Thumbs for doing what happy couples do: making, with intention, something uniquely your own. Whether it’s a memory, nickname, private hand signal or signature logo, happy couples recognize that what they make of their marriage is really, from the very beginning and until the very end, simply up to them.

Happy first week of your new life together, Maria and Nate. May your logo be just the first of many symbols that glue you together, totally 4 ever.

BTW: Nate also designed the handsome-est and clever-est wedding invitations: a summary of their 'story.' It just keeps getting sweeter, doesn't it? click here for to see in pdf

Spotted

Our cute What Happy Parents Do in the hands of a happy baby shower recipient.

It's every author's dream to see readers enjoying the pages they wrote with joy and passion. Doesn't it look like they're having fun? Thanks to Tara for not only gifting the book, but for also capturing the moment! Best wishes to the parents-to-be.

A squirrel in the house ...

... does not increase your odds of being a happy couple (at least not in that moment). Especially when one spouse of said couple left the screen door open -- just a tad, honey -- for couple's small-scale dog to roam in and out. Yes, it was just the perfect space for squirrel to make her entrance.

I have no research to back up the squirrel-in-house + couple = temporarily-not-so-happy. But what I do have (Carol here) is a lived-experience. Yesterday we had a live squirrel in our house! OMG.

It was brief. It was hilarious (now). It was a bit crazy. Scary. Funny. And also not so funny. But like everything in our 20 year marriage, it taught us something.

The lesson? Shut the screen door (HONEY!). Applicable marriage research? Humor is forever useful in stressful marriage situations. Summary of my experience? My husband is really swift with a kitchen broom. And amen he's also quite adept at forgiveness.



(I'm also super happy the squirrel - I've named her Martha -- didn't jump up and try to lick my husband's face. Oh, Fred, you'll always be our one and only 5-lb-ball-of-furry-love).

Grumpy

It started with a little bit of irritation and turned into an all out grumpy attitude. Yes, toward my lovely husband. All weekend. I'll spare you the details of my foul mood and how it emerged. I'll even spare you the sweet moment when my 15 year old said "Mom, do you need a hug?" because as much as I loved every ounce of the expression, even that sweetest-gesture-in-the-teenage-mom-world didn't change my grump! I know, right? Who am I? Last weekend, a VERY GRUMPY WIFE. A monster of grumpiness. U.G.L.Y. Not pretty in any way.










But then, there they were, finally clear in my mind: the words of my super smart, super awesome, rock solid friend Deborah.

"You've got fancy problems."

A while back she shared that wise notion.

Indeed, most of our woes are fancy ones when we really think about it. We don't have cancer nor are our parents ill or lonely. We aren't rebuilding our lives after a tsunami or hurricane. Our children are healthy and smart. We have homes, food, friends and jobs. We don't live amidst radiation threats nor real treats of violence. We have dogs and fish in bowls (seriously - pets are a luxury) and even some leisure time. Our 'problems' -- ha, they sound so silly now. Like being mad at our husbands; being 'too busy'; stressing about guests in our house; not liking colleagues; feeling tired; even fights with friends; the red sock in with the white shirts; kids who refuse to fold laundry; teens who spend too much time on Facebook and too little time actually reading a book -- they're all fancy problems. Very fancy, in fact.

Period. Lesson (re)learned. Mood immediately shifted.

And happy couple is happy again. Whew.

This is big.

First, can we all believe this is Happy Couple Blog Post number 250? Happy birthday or anniversary or milestonersary -- or whatever you call it - to the WHCD blogspot! Big. Yay!!! That's huge. I know, right?

And how perfectly appropriate to honor our 250th post with what I (Carol here) think is one of the best stories - surely ever on this blog - about the hard work of creating ourselves as happy couples.

Here's the story:

It's about a gal name Bridget and a guy named Jim. They met, married, and struggled. They fought, laughed and loved. They enjoyed life and toiled away. They had three healthy and gorgeous kids, worked hard on their careers and worked even harder on being a happy couple. They compromised, insisted and opined. They moved half way and then all the way across the country … and even out of the country … then back … and moved again (even when one wanted to stay and the other said "get me out of this place!") They donated their time and talents, all over the globe. They put the time into each other. And tons into their kids and friendship. They argued some more. They were happy, mad, grateful, and irked. Sometimes all at once. But they continued to work HARD - with the help of friends, family and inspiration grabbed wherever it was readily available - at staying married and being happy.

And guess what? Were they always successful at the happy part? Nope. But are they continuing to work on it? Yep! And what did they decide to do to do a few weeks ago to acknowledge and shine a big, bright light on their 20 years of full, hard, wonderful, crazy, awesome, difficult marriage and family work? THROW A BIGGGGG PARTY (I want to say big ass party, but is that appropriate for a professor type like me to say that? Oops. Just did.)


They threw the most lovely, joy-filled, lift-your-spirits, make you cry, dance-all-night, give you goosebumps because they gathered all of their closest friends and family -- everyone who has helped them get to this point in their coupleness -- PARTY. They dusted off their two-decade-ago wedding attire and put it on! They hired a photographer. Set up tents. Sent out brilliant invitations. Assigned us all seats so we could get to know the other special people in their current/past/future lives. And set the scene for a river-side evening of lights, music, the most delicious food, friends, laughter, drink, dancing, more laughing, fireworks (for real), skylanterns (oh so very awesome-a-sight), and, well, celebrating the 20-year-marriage of one very cool couple.

How absolutely inspiring is that?

Very.



And from their choice to celebrate comes key lessons:

In the words of my dear friend Bridget when I asked her if I could tell her story and blog about their anniversary celebration: "As long as you somehow include that we have worked hard and struggled mightily for this marriage and family and that every bit of it has been worth it but NOT easy! I feel so much that we are not told how hard it is going to be to be married to someone - even when you LOVE them. And I really wanted to have this party because we seem to "celebrate" the sad stuff far to often lately and sometimes you need to combat the sad with a crazy big LOVE party!"

Jim and Bridget, if you're reading or even if you're not, I personally and professionally must thank you for sharing your story with couples everywhere (the not-so-happy/happy/very happy/sorta happy ... all of us and everything in between). For our challenge is to know and be taught and re-taught that being a happy couple is about DOing what it takes to make it that way. Every day. You two represent the best and greatest of What Happy Couples Do because you keep at it. Make adjustments. Tweak. Cherish. Enjoy. And are willing to embrace the struggle. AND say it out loud, so others in the middle of it know they're not weird or alone. You've stayed the course. You've been a model. And you're in it for the long, long haul.

Great work, you two.

And thanks for the LOVE party! It was, in every way, the most lovely evening of the summer.


Oh, and here's a great P.S. to the story; there's so much to tell!

The image at the top of this entry is greeting card given long ago (age properly noted by the many pinholes, one sign of how far this little dose of wisdom has traveled and hung and re-hung). Yes, it was from lovely Jim to his lovely bride Bridget. And guess where it is now? Indeed, front and center on their kitchen's bulletin board, an ongoing aide-mémoire of all that is and shall be. And soooo true, Shakespeare. So true.

[All party photos by the fabulous Katie Worple. Check out her incredible work ... and hire her! ... at www.katieworple.com]

Happy Couples Change

We all change. Happy couples have the special challenge of managing their individual changes in ways that are sensitive to the other's willingness, readiness, and/or desire to change too.

Why does one have to change just because the other does? They don't … except they DO.

Here's a one-sentence tutorial: As a two-human-system, one member of a couple will, no choice, affect the other whether they intentionally try to or not. Here's a one-sentence example (which might sound familiar since it grew out of a story in What Happy Couples Do): shifting from the rather flat "Oh, hi" or silence when your spouse walks in the end-of-the-day door to "Hello o' beautiful spouse of mine! How was your day?" … the dynamic changes even though only one of you changed your greeting. Get it?

For a real-time example: A change we're making in our house and marriage - right now - is shifting from pretty darn healthy eating to pretty-crazy-super-clean-eating. Evidence: A shot of our newly-stocked all-organic-grains/nuts/fruits pantry and the mountain of goodness on our counter after our CSA arrived the other day:


(NOTE: don't hate me because I have a label-maker).

Back to the change. We are, for sure, 1) getting older, 2) getting smarter (about food and the environment), and 3) did I mention we're getting older? Oh, and then there's 4) we really like being a couple and raising our two cool kids, so we'd like to do it for a really-lot longer. Four great reasons to change - together.

While I (Carol) am typically at the helm of the food ship in our house, past attempts to significantly change our family's eating patterns have been met with one or all of: "GROSS! Mom! You expect us to actually eat that?" and/or "Honey, how much does organic milk cost?" and/or "Can't we just have tater tots this one special night?" (No! That is GROSS.)

This time, as we shift to as much local, seasonal, dark and leafy, high-nutrient clean foods, my spouse has been fully on board. He even likes the kale-spinach smoothies (thanks for the recipe, neighbor pal Deborah). Crazy what 20 years of marriage will do! And how much happier and relationship-ly healthy it is when two people can change simultaneously.

P.S. 2 points if you can, without re-reading this blog, guess how many times I wrote the word "change" in this blog post? There just isn't a good synonym in this context. Oh, and 3 points if you happened to have noticed the Happy Couple Company very hip diner mugs and wine/juice glasses in the background of the veggie photo. Not intentional. But I love it when that happens.

Got Eudaimonia?

Not a vegetable. Not a disease.

Eudaimonia is actually a noun that I (Carol here) just learned. It's the contended state of being happy, healthy and prosperous.

A word so odd it must have come from Aristotle. Indeed. And is key in the study of ethics. Ew - ethics. That requires thinking.

I, of course, like to pretend I like to think … and do actually think this new (to me) concept might provide another piece of the happy couple puzzle.

As I paged innocently through my alumni magazine a few nights ago, admittedly irritated by the unyielding stack of unread mail from our recent journeys, the article "In search of happiness" grabbed my attention. Bills and even hand-written thank you cards could wait, thank you. There's a professor of philosophy (Dr. Leanne Kent) teaching a class (at St. Norbert College, DePere, WI) and doing research on Eudaimonia. Interesting. On how-do-you-pronounce-that?

Yes, I still - even after a few days research on the concept - prefer to pronounce the word like the basic, green, bean-looking vegetable.

Can eudaimonia help us understand (embrace?) the reality that happiness is "far from a simple pursuit?" That's what eudaimonists say. And you can't - they say - be happy one moment and unhappy the next. Incoherent, they say!

Ugh - darn it. It seemed more attainable before we started thinking too much about it, no?

If happiness as individuals is such hard work, does that mean it's twice as hard as a couple? The article didn't address that. But here's what I learned from my very rudimentary introduction what it might mean for us non-greek/non-ancient/average-thinking couples (and while you decide if that's you, let me take a moment and point you to the full article: St. Norbert Magazine, turn to page 16 and find the leafy-green page with the big white letters. Author, Lisa Strandberg). Four things:

1. Happiness is not a subjective state of mind.
Huh?
2. Happiness is the end goal toward which all our actions are aiming.
But ...!
3. Happiness isn't a mental state; it's a state of life.
Tell me more (but not too much …)
4. Happiness means - okay it gets a little philosophical here - living a virtuous life. It means acting "right." It means being ethical. But what is the ethical, virtuous thing to do in relationships?

No answers, but some clues come from research on long-term, happy marriage: Basic kindness maybe?

And oh my, that's hard sometimes. Even with people we love and like.

But it's worth role-playing and forcing (the old fake it until you can make it technique): "Honey - could you, oh beautiful husband of mine, grab me a glass of water while I finish this blog? Thank you, thank you so much dear. You're such a doll, even after 20 years of marriage. You fill me up."

Barf. But how can someone be rude or unkind in response to such kindness, right? Exactly.

What do you think it means to be virtuous and act "rightly" toward your partner? Do share, eh? Feel free to re-read some previous blogs. Stealing ideas is absolutely ethical and okay when the author says you can. Sweet!

I await your thoughts. Come on. If you've read this far you're almost obligated to (kindly) share.