5 weeks of Parenting

What I've learned in the five weeks of Thomas John's life:

1. Putting on socks is impossible to do while holding a baby. It's challenging even when he's in a sling. And with a baby who loves to be held (yes, even during naps), this can be a challenge. For warm feet, I must put socks on immediately after showering.

2. Babies are cute even when they're crying! However, cuteness decreases after an hour and a half of continuous crying.

4. I wish I could bottle up his sweet little squeaks and grunts and save them for a rainy day in about 14 years.

5. I hate to admit it, but everything I heard about parenthood is true. It does change your life. You do love them to pieces. You are sleep deprived. You shouldn't expect to get anything else done while at home with a baby all day.

6. He's started to smile and coo and it melts my heart.

7. I can hardly wait for 5:00 because I know Brent will be home soon. I celebrate each passing hour after noon because I'll soon have my companion back. Also, nothing is more fun than seeing Brent be the best daddy I ever could have imagined.

8. Thomas spends most of the day hanging out in one of these: http://www.sleepywrap.com/ He loves it and so do I. I wouldn't want to go through the infant stage without it. In fact, as I write this, I'm standing up and bouncing while Thomas looks calmly looks around and fades in and out of sleep.

9. Cloth diapering is not as bad as people make it out to seem. The price is certainly right, and you can't deny the environmental benefits. Plus, they're kind of cute.

10. Family is amazing. We've had so much help and support from both of our families. Both my mom and Brent's come one day a week to spend time with Thomas and help me get some work done. We're so lucky that our parents love Thomas (and us) so much and live close enough to help us out.

Passion. Clarity. Wants me to succeed.

A few years back I (Carol writing here) sat down with my academic dean for a cup of coffee. We are friends and thus we often chat about life. About our kids. About students. And about publishing and theories and what great recipes we've tried lately. The conversation that day turned to teaching, of course. We teachers can't help ourselves but to muse about how to be better, brighter and grade more essays in shorter periods of time. Something my friend/dean/colleague Tom said that day stuck with me. I actually wrote it on a sticky note and secured it right next to my office computer on a steel file-folder-organizer-thingy. It has remained there for a good 4+ years now. In three memorable phrases he smartly summarized what distinguishes the creme de la creme teachers from all the rest.

The best of the best professors ...

1. are passionate.
2. are clear.
3. want their students to succeed.

It dawned on me yesterday as the sticky note caught my gaze once again: Maybe these are the same "secrets" of the happy couple masters? Of the creme de la creme relationship partners? Of the people who seem to really find deep gladness and awesome giddiness in one another, year after year. Of those darn happy couples most of us yearn to become.

1. Passion. (Gosh darn it, let's be happy! Let's do things to keep us connected. Strong. Repaired. In "like" with one another, even when the economy plummets, the children are melting, and the laundry is piling up).

2. Clarity. (Of vision. Of purpose. We do whatever it takes to remember, time and again, that "we" come first. And that "we" stay happy. And that "we" keep our priorities straight. Before jobs and kids and cars and mortgages. WE matter, yes we do!).

3. Holding up the other. (Does your partner - the other part of your team - really know, deep in her/his heart, you want her/him to succeed? That he is smart? That she is valued? That you are open to his smart influence? That she will be listened to?)

Thanks, Dean Connery, for your wisdom. You never cease to impress and amaze (dude). Let's grab a cup of coffee soon, eh?

A Happy Couple (+ One More)

Thomas + a happy couple = a really great photo shoot.




(photos by C. Bruess)

More updates from the happy parents soon ... !

Arrival (!!!!)

It happened yesterday at 6:32 p.m. The waiting ended and into the world appeared Anna and Brent's new little love: Thomas John. The perfect name for the perfect baby.



Anna, you are a mountain of strength. Brent, you are a rock-steady presence. Together with Thomas, you are an unstoppable threesome. Welcome to the new chapter in your life! May it be filled with lots of sleep, many new loving little (couple/child/parent/partner) rituals and even more moments of pure and unfettered gladness (even when those moments are in the middle of sleepless nights).

We can't wait to hear all about your first days, and the wise insights you'll share about "What Happy Parents Do" ... direct from the trenches.

Sleep well. Find joy. And tell us all about it as you do!

Anticipation

I (Anna) never thought the day would come. Today marks my 39th week of pregnancy. Our baby might still be nameless (that's a whole different blog post!), but he's fully cooked. This means that no matter what, in less than three weeks, I will be a mother. Um, whoa. Ever seen someone go from thrilled to terrified in the span of five minutes? Come to my house. In the past few days, looking at this little sweater and hat, knitted by my sweet mom, instantly renews my excitement when fear sets in. Have you ever seen anything so cute? I'm trying to explain to him that he needs to come greet the world so I can see him wear his sweater. ASAP.


We're seemingly ready for Baby to come. The hospital bags are packed and perched by the door. The car seat is installed. The clothes are washed and folded. Thanks to Carol, the baby's room is perfect. She's been sewing, stitching, and carefully crafting all the little details to make it both adorable and functional. But how come I still don't feel ready? I choose to believe it's because "readiness" is a parenting myth.

While waiting, we're trying to spend as much quality time together as possible. Because before we know it, we'll need a babysitter in order to spend any time alone! We've been pretty much inseparable these days and I'm loving every minute of it.

Wish us luck. Any day now, Baby!

The List

Well, the idea grew out of an argument. A big one. Yes, we "happy couples" fight too! In fact, we fight quite a bit (it's Carol here, although Anna admits a good "care-frontation" with her spouse now and again). In case any readers are feeling disappointed, remember: reserach shows that happy couples can fight a lot (it's how they handle their disagreements that makes a difference!).

Our (Bruess couple) latest "handling" of conflict looks something like this: Make a list. On the white board. In the basement. In the corner. Where we each check in periodically and perhaps more now since the "list" is new and fresh and in the just-initated phase. On the list you jot things (key words, phrases, whole paragraphs) that irritate you, jab you, rub you, warm you. Things that make you CRAZY. And things that make you smile. But mostly, the list is designed to highlight things that aren't quite right at the moment (of the "when you walk OVER the dirty clothes which have come down the laundry shoot and landed just inches from the basket but you don't actually pick them up, I think I'm going to SCREAM" variety). Or, one that I'm confident is going to be on my husband's list sometime today or tomorrow: "Selling the sofa and chairs without telling me and buying new ones." Oops. Good point. Not a good idea of a "surprise" (despite my best intentions. Honestly. I had good motives, honey).



Happy couple or not: we ALL have things that make us "slightly irritated." Why not find a way (a visual and ever-developing-but-easily-erasable list) to get them addressed and expressed?

I'll keep you posted on how ours goes.

(And I'll be sure to post a photo when our new sofa arrives!)

Sisterness

As many college roommates experience, the women who lived with me on 331 Wilder Street became my "sisters." Since our college graduation, we created a ritual (inspired by my cousin and her college roommates, which you'll read all about in our forthcoming book What Happy Women Do), our very own holiday: 3/31 Day (March 31). Each year, on March 31, we try to celebrate our friendship all day. Sometimes it's via morning email and then happy hour later. One year, we were fortunate to all be able to take a day off of work and school! This year, we'll have the birth of not one but two babies being born. Another roommate graduated from law school and passed the bar exam. Another is about to start nursing school. Another is potentially planning a move to LA. Big year for us "sisters." So big, in fact, that it seemed that one day per year just wasn't enough to devote to our friendship.

Therefore, we decided to try for a monthly celebration, too. So on the 3rd Wednesday (which happens to be the 3rd day of the week) of every month, we have lunch for 1 hour: 3-3-1. We can't all be there each month. But we sure try. We realized that when we don't see each other often enough, we end up spending all our time "catching up" rather than building on the sisterness we already share.

We love our partners and families dearly. But no matter how hard they try, they can't comprehend everything we went through together at 331 Wilder. No one else can understand the funny notes we left each other, requesting checks for rent, energy bills, cable, and water.

Or the "rules" we developed for conducting life under one roof.


Or the fun we had together.

Celebrate your sisterness! And take pictures and share them (and your stories) with us.

A Must Read

I know I've mentioned my friend's blog before, but I think this entry is worth sharing again!


Najla and her hunky husband, Paul, have started a new ritual. They're cross-country skiing together this winter. They happen to live in Fargo, North Dakota, which is one of the coldest places I've ever been. The wind has been known to whip Fargo residents to the ground! With recent temps dipping well-below zero (try twenty below zero), these two remain committed to their new ritual. Check out her blog for some fun dialogue between she and her husband during their ski outing this week.


http://najmania.blogspot.com/2010/01/hotness-in-frozen-tundra.html

What Will You Do Differently This Year?

That was the question posed in one of my (it's Carol writing here) favorite little magazines this month (Real Simple. You know, the one with the alluring subtitle: Life Made Easier) Who doesn't desire a little life made easier? I've been a subscriber since its inception and seem to learn something simple or profound (or both) in each issue. About life. About relationships. About how to organize my wrapping paper or streamline the mitten basket.

This time (January 2010), it was the reader who responded to the query "What will you do differently this year" with a very Happy Couplesque statement: "I'm going to put my husband first."

She explains: "We each work two jobs and have a family, volunteer and social commitments, so we're exhausted at the end of the day. He deserves the best of me - not what's left over after I'm done with everything else."

Our spouses DO deserve the best of us. The first of us. The most of us. She's so smart, isn't she?!

I'm going to follow her lead and try to put my hubby first. It wont' be easy and I'm not one to make New Year resolutions (more inclined toward moment to moment resolutions since those give me greater odds at succeeding!) But today ... and the next 364 days ... I'm going to resolve to put my spouse of 18 years (and 18 days, to be exact) before everything else.

Wish me luck.

How about you? Want to try too?

Happy(Couple) New Year.

Fun Mail Rule

Last night, I (Anna) came home to three unopened envelopes on the counter. Did Brent get home, retrieve the mail, and then not open any of it? Nope, that was not the case. Those three unopened envelopes were intentionally left for me. He was simply following our fun mail rule we've developed over time. And this rule is particularly important during the holiday season, when we receive an abundance of "fun mail" in the form of holiday cards. Allow me to explain.

Fun mail consists of letters, invitations, thank you notes, and packages. I guess you could think of it as all the mail that doesn't require us to write a check after opening. Who doesn't love opening fun mail? It's usually attractive. Colorful. Hand-addressed, even? All of these traits make fun mail pretty much irresistibly inviting. Which was why it became a point of contention in our house earlier in our marriage. Since Brent usually gets the mail from the mailbox, he used to open all of it, including the fun mail (sometimes addressed only to ME!). It didn't take him long to learn that I like opening my own fun mail. But the problem still existed because he would open all the fun mail addressed to both of us. Eventually, we arrived at this conclusion: Whoever has known the sender of the fun mail best (or sometimes longest) is the designated opener. For example, today we received one card from my friend from graduate school and two others from my college roommates. So, Brent knew to leave them on the counter where I would see them and open them with excitement! Sometimes, though, he still "sneaks" opening one of mine ("you get way more than I do!").

Rules. They get such a bad rap, don't they? We tend to think of them as restrictive. But really, I think they're quite freeing! Mutually developed rules are, in my opinion, one of the keys to relational satisfaction.

P.S. Send me fun mail!

Happy Anniversary! (But do I have to watch?)

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary! (Carol and Brian, married December 13th, 1991)

Yes, we are a happy couple because - no question - we keep working on it every day. We also don't let the 13th of December pass by without our loving little ritual: A review of our very poor quality but highly valuable (to just us) wedding video. We are, as I type, sitting on the sofa together, devouring a bowl of popcorn and recalling the evening with great fondness. Our kids joined us for about 20 minutes total of tonight's viewing until my son declared "Okay, I've seen enough" and our daughter kindly and sweetly uttered "Do I have to watch this anymore?" Secretly, I know they enjoy the warmth and security of seeing their parents still in love after 18 years even though they don't equally enjoy the blurry and quite raw footage of their wedding mass and reception. To us, the video is rather perfect: a documenting of the day we donned our best attire, danced the night away, and decided that we'd forever work - moment by moment - to appreciate the little and precious moments together. Are we always successful at doing so? Heck no. But we keep trying. And tonight - hurray for marriage and popcorn - is one of those moments we sure are enjoying.

Kids, time for bed.