Here I (Anna) am, 23 weeks pregnant. The baby is happily bouncing around as I type, which always makes me pause and smile. I can't believe how fast it's going (although I realize I might be changing my tune when I'm nearing 40 weeks). I find myself caught in the classic "dialectical tension," as we call it in communication, of feeling torn between clinging to the predictability of my life as I know it and the novelty of what's to come in a few months. I'm concurrently frightened and ecstatic! Below are the questions that keep popping up in my mind--as they might for all expecting parents--about my upcoming new role as mother:
1. Will I still love my work? Right now I adore conducting research and teaching. I actually look forward to doing my work. Will my "work" become more of a "job" when I become a mother?
2. Will my husband and I struggle to find our joint "parenting style?" Or will we agree on most ways to parent?
3. Will I experience the love that everyone describes they have for their children?
4. Will my view of the world change? My thoughts on politics? Religion?
5. Will I still like my regular television shows like How I Met Your Mother and Gossip Girl? It just doesn't seem "momish" to watch these shows. Which leads to question 6...
6. Will I finally feel like a "grownup?"
7. I intend to remain connected with all the amazing friends I've made through the years. Will it be harder than I think it will be? Will they accept me as a mother?
8. Will my baby be as fun(ny), smart, and cute as my nephews? I'm wondering if it's even possible!
9. How will I ever survive without sleep?
10. Will my husband and I still laugh multiple times a day? Will we practice what Carol and I preach by maintaining or adapting our meaningful rituals?
I won't know the answer to these questions until February and beyond. For now, though, I'll keep pondering them, trying to remain present in the uncertainty (and excitement!) a change like this brings.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Our Marriage "Short List"
Anna and I sat in the office the other day brainstorming -- motivated by the request of someone with whom we're working on a marriage-related media project -- what we believe are the key signs a marriage is in trouble.
We then, based on the research, created a list of tips couples can follow to get back on track if they feel the wheels have pretty much fallen off altogether.
Here's what we came up with:
Warning signs your marriage is in trouble:
• You go out of your way to make sure you don’t have to spend time alone together
(e.g., the thought of having to go on a “date night” without other friends along is dreadful)
• You stop having sex. Ever.
• There is little laughter.
• You avoid invoking the ‘inside joke.’
• You stop using the loving little nicknames.
• Your self-talk about the other person is almost entirely hateful and negative.
• "Things are not fair” thoughts/actions about the other dominate your day.
• Apathy becomes your "mode of operation" (Remember: hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is).
• You stop arguing (it’s a sign of apathy).
• Criticism comes much more naturally than complimenting.
• You enjoy putting the other down way more than lifting him or her up.
What do to if you see yourself in the above statements?
• Develop rituals of connection (rekindle old and heartwarming routines and/or develop new ones)
• Begin using loving little terms again, even if it scares you.
• Kiss (even if you don’t want to. It feels good, remember?)
• Intentionally tell the other you like something (s)he does.
• Leave a little note that says as much (what you "like" ... or even love or appreciate).
• Change it up: show up at his office and take him out for lunch; call, out of the blue; get in the car and drive (no destination required); book a flight to nowhere (just you two); walk out the door together and DO something. Anything. Together.
• Break the rules; if what you’re doing isn’t working, why keep doing it?
• Shift your self-talk (notice, in your mind, when your partner does something right instead of only what irritates you).
• Ditch friends who diss your spouse (or who diss their own spouses). Negativity begets negativity.
• Try something more positive to begin or end your day (here's a thought: greet your spouse with a smile when s/he walks in the door!)
• Fight. (it means you’re willing to work it through. Engage again. Find out what’s bugging the other person, so you can move forward).
Last but most important tip: get help. Seek a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you sort it all through. It's not a sign of weakness, rather an impressive sign of strength! Think about it: how can we be expected to fully understand, let alone fix, something that has taken years -- one little interaction at a time -- to break(down)?
We then, based on the research, created a list of tips couples can follow to get back on track if they feel the wheels have pretty much fallen off altogether.
Here's what we came up with:
Warning signs your marriage is in trouble:
• You go out of your way to make sure you don’t have to spend time alone together
(e.g., the thought of having to go on a “date night” without other friends along is dreadful)
• You stop having sex. Ever.
• There is little laughter.
• You avoid invoking the ‘inside joke.’
• You stop using the loving little nicknames.
• Your self-talk about the other person is almost entirely hateful and negative.
• "Things are not fair” thoughts/actions about the other dominate your day.
• Apathy becomes your "mode of operation" (Remember: hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is).
• You stop arguing (it’s a sign of apathy).
• Criticism comes much more naturally than complimenting.
• You enjoy putting the other down way more than lifting him or her up.
What do to if you see yourself in the above statements?
• Develop rituals of connection (rekindle old and heartwarming routines and/or develop new ones)
• Begin using loving little terms again, even if it scares you.
• Kiss (even if you don’t want to. It feels good, remember?)
• Intentionally tell the other you like something (s)he does.
• Leave a little note that says as much (what you "like" ... or even love or appreciate).
• Change it up: show up at his office and take him out for lunch; call, out of the blue; get in the car and drive (no destination required); book a flight to nowhere (just you two); walk out the door together and DO something. Anything. Together.
• Break the rules; if what you’re doing isn’t working, why keep doing it?
• Shift your self-talk (notice, in your mind, when your partner does something right instead of only what irritates you).
• Ditch friends who diss your spouse (or who diss their own spouses). Negativity begets negativity.
• Try something more positive to begin or end your day (here's a thought: greet your spouse with a smile when s/he walks in the door!)
• Fight. (it means you’re willing to work it through. Engage again. Find out what’s bugging the other person, so you can move forward).
Last but most important tip: get help. Seek a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you sort it all through. It's not a sign of weakness, rather an impressive sign of strength! Think about it: how can we be expected to fully understand, let alone fix, something that has taken years -- one little interaction at a time -- to break(down)?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Rhonda Britten and What Happy Couples Do
This is Rhonda Britten, book author and founder of the Fearless Living Institute. She's also going to be the resident life coach on the upcoming season of Celebrity Fit Club. And she loves What Happy Couples Do. She also said I (Anna) was her best friend. True story. Seriously. Okay, maybe she was joking. But the words did come out of her mouth! I think that means there's some BFF potential. Here's her blog: http://www.fearlessliving.org/blog/rhonda. It was great fun hearing her speak and meeting her in person. Did I mention she's from Minnesota?
Monday, September 21, 2009
"I Really Enjoyed Being With You Today"
I (Carol) learned of a delightful little ritual at an equally-delightful wedding we attended this weekend:
The priest, in an effort to create (he was highly successful!) a memorable and meaningful wedding homily, asked the bridal couple to write answers to a series of questions during the weeks before the wedding. It was apparent, from the information he then used to build his sermon, the types of inquiries he made: How did you first meet? What do you love most about this person? What is most important in your future together? What do you most adore about being with him/her?
Of course I sat up straighter (and whispered "loving little ritual," my favorite phrase) to my husband when the priest shared something Emily - the bride - had written about David, her soon-to-be husband. "I love it when he says to me, at the end of every day: 'I really enjoyed being with you today.'" She confessed: "He likely doesn't even know he makes this comment," but that when he does, it reminded her of how loving and kind he is to her.
Loving little rituals! They are the lifeblood of our relationships; they feed them with kindness and goodwill. What if we all said to one another, more often, something as simple and kind as David does to Emily? Our marriages and relationships would be much better places in which to reside, wouldn't they?
The priest, in an effort to create (he was highly successful!) a memorable and meaningful wedding homily, asked the bridal couple to write answers to a series of questions during the weeks before the wedding. It was apparent, from the information he then used to build his sermon, the types of inquiries he made: How did you first meet? What do you love most about this person? What is most important in your future together? What do you most adore about being with him/her?
Of course I sat up straighter (and whispered "loving little ritual," my favorite phrase) to my husband when the priest shared something Emily - the bride - had written about David, her soon-to-be husband. "I love it when he says to me, at the end of every day: 'I really enjoyed being with you today.'" She confessed: "He likely doesn't even know he makes this comment," but that when he does, it reminded her of how loving and kind he is to her.
Loving little rituals! They are the lifeblood of our relationships; they feed them with kindness and goodwill. What if we all said to one another, more often, something as simple and kind as David does to Emily? Our marriages and relationships would be much better places in which to reside, wouldn't they?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A Family Event
My (Anna's) dear friend, Jessica, works at Milkweed Press. They're having an event for their children's book, Floramel and Esteban.
Come hear an enchanting tale of friendship and experience the happy sounds of a Caribbean steel band. Floramel and Esteban explores the rhythms of life on a Caribbean island and the friendship between Floramel and Esteban, a lonely cow and a lazy egret. This story is perfect for young readers (ages 7-11) and adults who are young at heart.
Author Emilie Buchwald will read and sign her book, Floramel and Esteban, and play a recording of Calypso music for all ages to enjoy. Please join us!
Saturday, September 12, 2:00 PM
Floramel and Esteban Reading & Signing
Refreshments to follow
Open Book, Target Performance Hall
1011 Washington Ave S
Minneapolis, MN 55415
“Long live the artists and their encouragers; long live Floramel and Esteban!” —Debra Frasier
“Written with grace and joyful precision, Floramel and Esteban presents an unlikely pair, an unlikely musician, and an unlikely career choice in a poignant tale that will replay in your mind like a beloved melody.” —Juanita Havill, author of Grow
“Floramel and Esteban is the kind of book readers don’t often see anymore—a generous and spirited story of animals, love, island culture, friendship, and pure joy.”
—Susan Straight, author of A Million Nightingales
Come hear an enchanting tale of friendship and experience the happy sounds of a Caribbean steel band. Floramel and Esteban explores the rhythms of life on a Caribbean island and the friendship between Floramel and Esteban, a lonely cow and a lazy egret. This story is perfect for young readers (ages 7-11) and adults who are young at heart.
Author Emilie Buchwald will read and sign her book, Floramel and Esteban, and play a recording of Calypso music for all ages to enjoy. Please join us!
Saturday, September 12, 2:00 PM
Floramel and Esteban Reading & Signing
Refreshments to follow
Open Book, Target Performance Hall
1011 Washington Ave S
Minneapolis, MN 55415
“Long live the artists and their encouragers; long live Floramel and Esteban!” —Debra Frasier
“Written with grace and joyful precision, Floramel and Esteban presents an unlikely pair, an unlikely musician, and an unlikely career choice in a poignant tale that will replay in your mind like a beloved melody.” —Juanita Havill, author of Grow
“Floramel and Esteban is the kind of book readers don’t often see anymore—a generous and spirited story of animals, love, island culture, friendship, and pure joy.”
—Susan Straight, author of A Million Nightingales
Friday, September 4, 2009
Come One, Come All
Come get your signed copies of What Happy Couples Do and What Happy Parents Do. We'll be there. You should be, too.
Fearless America: Setting America free one town at a time.
Thursday 9/10/09
7-9 PM (Doors open at 6:30)
The Radisson Hotel, Roseville.
Emmy-award winner, Oprah repeat guest, bestselling author, NY Times 'America's Favorite Life Coach,' Rhonda Britten, is bringing the Fearless America tour to Minnesota.
With Americans in fear over the economy, health care, housing and so much more she's decided, as a globally recognized expert on fear, to bring her fearless message to the twin cities.
Fear can be paralyzing diminishing our self-esteem and ability to make powerful decisions about our lives. She wants to support folks by showing them how fear operates, how it can be dismantled and what to do about it in any and all situations. It will be an interactive two-hours on September 10th in Roseville, MN.
If you or anyone you know are stuck, bogged down, facing hardship, please come and hear Rhonda speak and get practical tools that are immediately useful.
She looks forward to sharing 'how to be more fearless in these fearful times' with you.
Any additional info about Rhonda and the Fearless America Tour can be found at www.FearlessLiving.org
Fearless America: Setting America free one town at a time.
Thursday 9/10/09
7-9 PM (Doors open at 6:30)
The Radisson Hotel, Roseville.
Emmy-award winner, Oprah repeat guest, bestselling author, NY Times 'America's Favorite Life Coach,' Rhonda Britten, is bringing the Fearless America tour to Minnesota.
With Americans in fear over the economy, health care, housing and so much more she's decided, as a globally recognized expert on fear, to bring her fearless message to the twin cities.
Fear can be paralyzing diminishing our self-esteem and ability to make powerful decisions about our lives. She wants to support folks by showing them how fear operates, how it can be dismantled and what to do about it in any and all situations. It will be an interactive two-hours on September 10th in Roseville, MN.
If you or anyone you know are stuck, bogged down, facing hardship, please come and hear Rhonda speak and get practical tools that are immediately useful.
She looks forward to sharing 'how to be more fearless in these fearful times' with you.
Any additional info about Rhonda and the Fearless America Tour can be found at www.FearlessLiving.org
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Once A Day
What are your daily rituals and personal routines? Do you have a way of beginning or ending the day, without which you feel a bit off, empty, irritated (or all of the above)
Rituals not only build relationships, they can build structure, peace and predictability in our individual lives as well.
My 13 year old got me (Carol) thinking about daily rituals this week when he revealed his latest video-creation, a compilation of self-portraits put into motion. Once a day, for an entire year, my little cutie-patutie has been taking his own picture. Not a day did he miss: rain or shine, home or away, holiday or not. Impressive (albeit a bit oddly adorable) daily ritual, eh?
Check it out!
P.S. 2 bonus points if you can name the state on Tony's favorite sweatshirt without watching the video twice.
Rituals not only build relationships, they can build structure, peace and predictability in our individual lives as well.
My 13 year old got me (Carol) thinking about daily rituals this week when he revealed his latest video-creation, a compilation of self-portraits put into motion. Once a day, for an entire year, my little cutie-patutie has been taking his own picture. Not a day did he miss: rain or shine, home or away, holiday or not. Impressive (albeit a bit oddly adorable) daily ritual, eh?
Check it out!
P.S. 2 bonus points if you can name the state on Tony's favorite sweatshirt without watching the video twice.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Cuteness
Look what Carol made for Baby Kudak! Have you ever seen cuter onesies? We'll have the hippest baby on the block with these hand-stitched, made from scratch, with love onesies. They make us so excited for our little love to get here. Thanks, Carol!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Telling the Parents
How to tell them? How do you tell your parents that they're about to be grandparents? That they will have a new title and a new addition to their family? This took quite a bit of deliberation. We wanted to do something original and memorable. First, we had to figure out timing. We were almost ten weeks along, and we figured we had the perfect opportunity. My parents were coming through the Twin Cities and we had them over for dinner. We arranged to see Brent's parents only a couple of days later. Then we came up with a plan: We would capture their reactions on camera. While telling my parents, Brent would take the photo. After counting to three, I would announce "we're having a baby" while Brent continued to take photo after photo of their reactions. I took the camera when we told his family. Here are the shots. Please excuse the poor iphone quality!
Me telling my parents.
My mom figured it out first.
Finally, my dad gets clued in and asks, "are you serious?"
And then we told Brent's parents. Here's Brent about to tell them. They have no idea what's about to hit them.
Still no reaction. Brent's waiting for it.
Figuring it out.
Now they believe it.
But they're still shocked!
We're so glad everyone knows now! These pics will definitely be put in the baby book.
Me telling my parents.
My mom figured it out first.
Finally, my dad gets clued in and asks, "are you serious?"
And then we told Brent's parents. Here's Brent about to tell them. They have no idea what's about to hit them.
Still no reaction. Brent's waiting for it.
Figuring it out.
Now they believe it.
But they're still shocked!
We're so glad everyone knows now! These pics will definitely be put in the baby book.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
In February...
this couple (Anna and Brent) will become parents for the first time. When this picture was taken, nearly four years ago, we knew we'd like to have kids one day. And here we are. We're so thrilled! And a little frightened. Am I allowed to say that? Well, it's true. Our whole lives will change and we only have 9 months to get ready. And 3 of those months are gone already!
We're mentally preparing by reading a couple of books that my mom got for us. They came highly recommended by some other parents: The Happiest Baby on the Block by Karp and Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn by Simkin et al. Now we've got to physically prepare by making room for baby in our small house. Last night we were going through some drawers and found a stack of Brent's high school senior picture wallets, an old waterproof film camera, and some chords that belong to something, but we don't know what. Decluttering is good. Thankfully, babies are small. But I hear the stuff they need isn't. Uh oh. That's why we're going to try to keep it simple.
It hasn't felt very real, because at only 13 weeks, I haven't grown all that much yet. But one thing that makes it feel very real is all the items we've received from various people. A whole suitcase filled with maternity clothes from my sister-in-law, Julie, and her friend, Katie. A little outfit and frame from our friend, Michelle. A cute teddy bear from Jeff and Emily (you know them, the very smart savers from a previous post). And Carol is already making us a bunch of onesies! We're in for such a rewarding and fun adventure. Hope you're ready for more baby-related posts. I've got baby on the brain and haven't been able to talk about it for three months! Up next, how we told our friends and family...and their reactions.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Summer Wildcats
I (Anna) love keeping things comfy. High heels? Not so much for me. I'll wear them for presentations, but most of the time I like to rock my flats. In undergrad, I had a pair of extra large men's sweatpants that I wore after making the trek to the opposite side of campus during the cold winter months. They were thick. Too long. Tattered. And you guessed it, comfortable. By the time I started my Ph.D. work in Kentucky, I decided it might be nice to have an additional pair of super thick, too long, but oh-so-comfy sweatpants. Thus, I invested in the pants I lovingly call the "Wildcats."
The pants are infamous. My family in Kentucky expected me to change into them as soon as I got home (that's Jakey and Ty Samson with me above). My friends from school thought it was hilarious when I wore them to their homes for study sessions (or to the library. Yes, I was shameless enough to wear these in public!). My friends even pretended to hate them. But I know better.
The Wildcats got me through the Kentucky ice storm of 2009.
The power went out in my house for a whole week, so I stayed with 3 different friends; the majority of this time was spent at my friend, Rachel's. Thus, the Wildcats are associated with the cold, and sometimes I miss wearing them during the warmer months. Cue Rachel (pictured above acting "disgusted" by the Wildcats), who unexpectedly sent me the cutest pair of "summer" Wildcats! They're cut-off sweatpants.
I'm in love. I've been wearing them ever since I received them. Thanks, Rayray, for thinking of me and sending these all the way to MN. This is What Happy Women Do, which happens to be the title of our forthcoming book! It's about the rituals that sustain sisterhood. The ugly Wildcats instantly remind this group of friends of how close we are and how much fun we have together. Sometimes I miss them so much it makes me ache. Long live the Wildcats. Long live the bonds of sisterhood.
What rituals do you have with your "sisters" or close friends? Tell, tell.
The pants are infamous. My family in Kentucky expected me to change into them as soon as I got home (that's Jakey and Ty Samson with me above). My friends from school thought it was hilarious when I wore them to their homes for study sessions (or to the library. Yes, I was shameless enough to wear these in public!). My friends even pretended to hate them. But I know better.
The Wildcats got me through the Kentucky ice storm of 2009.
The power went out in my house for a whole week, so I stayed with 3 different friends; the majority of this time was spent at my friend, Rachel's. Thus, the Wildcats are associated with the cold, and sometimes I miss wearing them during the warmer months. Cue Rachel (pictured above acting "disgusted" by the Wildcats), who unexpectedly sent me the cutest pair of "summer" Wildcats! They're cut-off sweatpants. 
I'm in love. I've been wearing them ever since I received them. Thanks, Rayray, for thinking of me and sending these all the way to MN. This is What Happy Women Do, which happens to be the title of our forthcoming book! It's about the rituals that sustain sisterhood. The ugly Wildcats instantly remind this group of friends of how close we are and how much fun we have together. Sometimes I miss them so much it makes me ache. Long live the Wildcats. Long live the bonds of sisterhood.What rituals do you have with your "sisters" or close friends? Tell, tell.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Max
... is now 2!
Who's Max? Refresh your memory by perusing our blogs from one year ago when Max - a little guy who I (Carol) have been photographing since birth- celebrated 1 year of life.
Again, who's Max? Sorry. I can't tell.
We love Max.
Happy birthday, little dude. Hope you like your photos (and being blogged about by strange authors who like curly hair and big cheeks).
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