How Marriage Survives

Okay, so no one wants to hear any more about the big fridge that nearly tackled my own marriage. No worries, I'm done writing about the fridge (it's in, cooling, and fabulous). Done.

Instead, click below (or copy and paste in your browser - it's worth it) to read the fabulous Op Ed in the New York Times yesterday called "How Marriage Survives." Justin Wolfers provides a smartly researched and rather compelling look at contemporary marriage rates, the un-effects of the economy, and the way we couple-up in the 21st century. I (Carol) give it a big old thumbs up (just like my husband is now gesturing toward our new fridge, because it easily holds an entire case - in the box, no rearranging required - of his favorite beverage AND all of the green leafy things I make my kids and him consume too).

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/13/opinion/13wolfers.html?emc=eta1

I love research, don't you? It gives us clues and answers, sometimes for things we didn't even know we had questions about.

Dang.

The fridge is actually IN the house (yes ... it's true). And I'm still married despite it.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm (Carol) talking about, read previous blogs for clues.

Seriously. Getting the over-sized appliance in the door was way more painful than getting my dear hubby to agree to it in the first place. Here is the score:

1. 12 (the number of guys it took to get it in the door).
2. 3 (the number of visits the 12 guys, 4 at a time, had to visit our new home to make said delivery a success).
3. 28 (the number of dirty looks my husband gave me during those 3 visits from the 12 guys).
4. "Are you upset, sir?" (direct quote from one of the handsome young men who carefully noted my dear husband's nonverbals as he watched them give up after attempt #2 to get big fridge in the door). I promptly explained, "Yes, he's upset. But not with you."
5. 29000 (the lbs of spinach and other goodness I hope to fill the new fridge with, as soon as it's officially "hooked up" - yes, I know the 20-something meaning of term. Seriously. Stop it).

Instead, please pray (for me) that the dang fridge will actually cool items and make ice once it's plugged in tomorrow. Seriously. I'm worried.

Stay tuned.

And mean it.

We had the occasion last evening to chat with a man who has been very happily married for 58 years. He is an acquaintance who we (my husband Brian and I) have admired for many years. What an opportunity, we thought, to find out what yet another wise married person has to say about the truths of a long and blissful wedded life.

His advice?

"Be willing to say you're sorry. And mean it."

My husband quickly burst out with laughter: "I'll be waiting a long time for that!"

What? I scowled at him with disgust, assuring our guests that I am surely and very capable of apologizing.

My dear groom clarified: "She's always right; she never needs to apologize."

Ah, indeed ... the second secret of a happy marriage: make the other person appear greater than she really is.

Good advice, huh?

Older Love

While packing up our belongings to move (I, Anna, am moving too...into Carol's old house!), I ran across a book by Warren Hanson, Older Love (Waldman House Press, 1999). I've read it before, but as I paged through it this time, I had a completely different perspective (hint, the perspective change might have something to do with the newest member of our family, who, I am convinced, is part puppy). I was reminded, once again, of the power of ritual throughout the course of our lives. Hanson writes:

We hear this old love every day, in ways we'd never think. The gentle plink of dishes swishing in the kitchen sink. The sound of slippered footsteps in the hallway overheard, when I have risen early, and you have stayed in bed. The morning paper. Coffee in the same old favorite cups. The fond, familiar rituals that nothing interrupts. The joyful jingling of your keys. Your telephone hello. The quiet, happy humming of that song from long ago.

We could choose to get upset by the little (and big) things that bother us. Like when my husband is adamant about selling my huge, ugly-but-useful desk on Craigslist because "it won't fit in the new house" (oh I'll make it fit, darn it!). Thank you, Warren Hanson, for reminding me to always find joy and gratitude in my marriage. It's not that hard, really. He is moving without me while I attend a wedding across the country. Ultimately, it's the little things that we do, each day, that contribute to long-term happiness and success in relationships.

One of my favorite rituals these days is sharing a massive mason jar as a water glass at dinner. We share these days because one person carries Thomas to the table and the other person carries the food. 4 hands, 1 baby, 2 plates, 2 glasses. You do the math.

Be happy with the little things. Every day.

The Construction Bounce

We (Carol here) are in the middle of renovating a big old house. It's a combination of "What were we thinking?" and "This is incredibly fun" and "Holy cow, how many staples did they need to put down carpeting?"

It's also a bit of my dearest husband and I having a nice little set of arguments about, well, everything from "Wear the damn earplugs before using the sawsall, seriously." and "How much did you spend on that fixture? Stop spending money!"

But ... alas ... in the midst of painting, demolishing a kitchen, pulling up carpeting, stripping wallpaper, yanking up staples and then back for another layer of painting (and, of course, baking many pans of brownies for all the people helping paint/demolish/strip/yank), I recalled the stunningly sly advice of my dear friend Molly, first shared in our Tuesday Sept 4, 2007 blog. Suga, you are so wise.

Readers, go back and find this post; it's worth it (moving/constructing/yanking/painting or not).

Long live the construction bounce!

Anyone know a good piano mover?

Another upside to love letters ...

... is finding them 22 years after you've written them, re-reading them, and enjoying them all over again. (It's Carol writing this ... although I'm guessing Anna might have similar discoveries to report?)

Although my lower back is screaming and my house is a mess of boxes because we're in the middle of moving, today's packing uncovered a box in the garage rafters marked "memories" in my mother-in-law's hand writing. My hubby had secretly tucked the box of goodies (letters, poems, scrapbooks, cards ... and a boy scout patch or two) away for, well, finding them again some day! Today he sure did.

There he was ... in a lawn chair in the middle of the garage on this 97 degree day ... with a huge smile and a rather large pile of letters I had written him during our first years together. He demanded I look at all the sweet-nothings I had written him. He could hardly contain his boy-ish joy. I could hardly believe that our world has changed so much in 20 years; who writes 4-page hand-penned love letters?

And then I asked myself a few more questions:

Did I really make my own envelopes out of magazine pages? Did I really draw silly little illustrations - most of them with word bubbles - on every page? Did I really inflate a huge balloon, write a letter in permanent marker, deflate the balloon and send it to my then sweety/now husband, complete with instructions on what to do when he received it?


Am I really telling the world how silly and corny I was as a young gal in love?

Yes, it's the 20-year return on love letters: Finding. Opening. Remembering. Laughing our heads off at how goofy in love we were.

Maybe, after we move, I'll write another love letter or two, craft an envelope out of a page of the NYTimes, and tuck it away in our new rafters. Who knows how long it will be until we find them again. But when we do, how grand it will be.

Answers to My Own Questions: 9 Months Later

Last October, I (Anna writing here) posted ten of the many questions I had as an expectant mother. So much has changed in the nine months since I wrote the original post! This post will tell us if all those anxious questions I had during my pregnancy were actually worth worrying about. Below are the things I've realized, just as all those moms who have come before me have.

1. Will I still love my work?

Yes! I still absolutely love teaching and researching. Finding the time to conduct said work is another story. While I was pregnant I thought that having a baby would change me so much that I wouldn't enjoy the things I did before baby came. In terms of work, this has not held true. Now I just need to learn how to accomplish my work while also being a mom. Trickier than I once imagined.



2. Will my husband and I struggle to find our joint parenting style?

Not yet, at least. The biggest struggle is probably with time management. Do we clean up the house, or relax and watch Mad Men? Mad Men has been winning the past couple of nights. We try to never have the tv on when Thomas is awake (and unfortunately, he's awake more than he should be! The stinker fights his sleep). Sweeping can wait.

3. Will I experience the love everyone describes they have for their children?

Yes, instantly, yes. Carol told me not to worry about this one, but for some odd reason I still did. One thing I have learned, however, is that even though the love is unconditional and so very, very strong, I still get frustrated with him. When his razor sharp nails claw me or he pulls my hair, I get a little peeved. When people kept saying, "it's different when it's your own kid," I thought it meant that these things wouldn't bother me. Wrong-o. But then he giggles and it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe that's what they meant?

4. Will my view of the world change? My thoughts on politics or religion?

Nope. I haven't experienced a shift in either of these views. Perhaps, though, my opinions have more depth to them these days.

5. Will I still like my regular tv shows?

Yes and no. I miss having the time to watch them. But if I missed an episode of my shows, it doesn't bother me. I didn't finish the seasons of several of what my favorite shows used to be. And I don't really care. I never thought I'd say that!

6. Will I finally feel like a grown up?

Absolutely not. I still look at Thomas and think, "could this seriously be my child?" Aren't I still 18 years old? Not by a decade, but it feel doesn't feel that way.

7. Will I remain connected with my friends?

Yes, I have definitely remained connected to my friends. One thing that has changed, however, is that I cannot just pick up and go anymore. It takes a long time to pack the little guy up. And as soon as we're ready to head out the door...whoops...someone needs their diaper changed again. My friends definitely accept my role as a mother and the best of friends even help out with Thomas. I love my friends for loving my baby.

8. Will my baby be as fun(ny), cute, and smart as my nephews?

He is, objectively (ha), the cutest, smartest, most fun baby that ever lived. Ever. Right up there with my nephews!

9. How will I ever survive without sleep?

Well, Thomas was an excellent sleeper for the first 4 months of his life. So, I think he eased us in quite gently. The past two months, on the other hand, have been more challenging. But each day we keep on going. Somehow. It must be one of life's little mysteries. It helps to hear people say, "this is just a phase." And I'm certainly trying to not wish away this very sweet phase of his, just because I'm not sleeping as well as I used to.

10. Will my husband and I still laugh multiple times a day? Will we adapt our rituals?

I can finally understand why, time and again, studies have found that the years with young children are some of the hardest for married couples. Yes, we laugh multiple times a day. But the laughter that was once directed toward each other is often focused on Thomas. He'll make a cute face or noise and we'll laugh. One of us will do something funny to make him laugh and then we're all laughing. Our house is full of joyful moments. But it is definitely much harder to have in-depth conversations with our new addition and work schedules. We always loved to take walks and talk together, and this ritual has only become more important to us. Only now, our walks have several purposes: getting or keeping Thomas sleepy, chatting, and exercise.

I admit, there are times when I miss the ease of my childless life, but I cannot imagine my life without my little pumpkin. What would I do without him? I never want to find out. Were all these things worth worrying about? I'm once again reminded that it all works out in the end, just the way it should.

A Marriage Party

A little over a month ago my handsome hubby and I piled into the car and road tripped (no kids allowed! Woo hoo!) to DePere Wisconsin, home of St. Norbert College where we -- each barely 19 years old and each beginning our first semester of college -- met.

We were heading east that day because St. Norbert had a really brilliant idea: let's host a party for couples who met at St. Norbert and are (still) married. "That's us!" we exclaimed.

We promptly sent our registration. The day approached. We selected and pressed our best attire. Then happily left our kids behind and headed east in our station wagon across Wisconsin, anticipating a fabulous trip down the lane of fond courting memories.

And what a party it was! We gathered with a bunch of people we'd never met but yet knew, without needing to speak, shared an intimate (pun intentional) connection to the spiritual and physical place of our beginnings (Sensenbrenner Hall ... Burke Lobby .. Tommy's Lighted Dance Floor ... the banks of the Fox River ... The Knight Club ... Old St. Joes ... and the front row of Psychology 101 with Dr. Zurowsky ... ).

The Wedding Party evening began with a renewal of vows and mass followed by -- what else? (think wedding reception) -- dinner, dancing, wedding cakes and a photographer! There were even gifts for all. Corny? Not at all. Lovely? Absolutely ... and then some. As someone who studies but claims very little expertise on coupledom, my only point of contention with the night was the name (it really should be called "The Marriage Party"). Because, really, the day was a celebration of so much more than weddings. It was a big party to shout out marriages! It was a tribute to us mundane couples who work - not always successfully but faithfully - at sustaining our connections. It was a chance to pause and say "Yes. I'd choose you again."

That, as those of us who are married know, is easier on big/celebratory/happy days such as this, but is harder yet all-the-more satisfying on the mundane and especially challenging days (case in point: the day we returned home to find out one of our dear children had announced to all his 212 "closest" facebook friends he was home alone all weekend. WHAT?! Intense marital/parental discussion ensues as we drive even more quickly west again ...)

But, alas, our weekend was indeed quite memorable and lovely. And now our wedding album now has yet another page, this one subtitled "18 years, but who's counting ... "


Photos by Mary Majella Baugnet of Majella Studio, Green Bay, Wisconsin (www. majellastudio.com). Thanks, Mary, for capturing our aging joy.

Some Science of Happy Marriage

I (Carol here) was rummaging through the it's-summer-so-let's-clean-up-the-office-desk pile (yes, I only have one of those piles; don't hate me) and came across an article I knew I'd want to read. Amen for a pile! The article is indeed one I wanted to read and its lessons are ones I now want to share with all of you. The brief piece called "Keeping Marriages Healthy, and Why It's So Difficult," admittedly did first pique my my curiosity because the sentence beginning the fourth paragraph uses the words "That is what happy couples do." WHAT?! That's my line! I use it with friends. My husband. Colleagues. And work it into as many conversations as possible. Yes, my friends are sick of hearing it. My husband, of course, is always eager to hear more. My colleagues? They're just too kind.

Dr. Karney, author of the Keeping Marriages Healthy, is also co-director of the Relationship Institute at the University of California and is on to something (note to self: "What Happy Couples Do" sounds like a great book title). He offers a smart, concise, and beautiful summary of why marriage IS so darn difficult. At the same time, he uses decades of research - both classic and contemporary - to point out what happy couples do differently than their unhappy peers. I'll attempt a summary of what he tells us:

Karney says, "People rarely change their minds about subjects that are important to them." (If you believe in gun control now you will likely believe the same 10 years from now. Same goes for abortion/women's rights, political leanings, etc). Marriage, unfortunately, is the exception to this rule. Even for people who stay married, high levels of marital happiness tend to decrease over time. What are the happy couples doing, those who maintain more of their initial levels of happiness?

1. If we are to stay happily married, we must learn how to "believe" our spouse is wonderful (over time, globally).
2. Happy couples, over time, "change their beliefs about what is important in their relationships." In other words, they believe (and this is a good thing) that the aspects of their marriage which have declined must simply not be as important after all (it's not that important that we don't hold hands when we walk. It's not that important that we don't kiss passionately every time she walks in the door). Instead, they selectively attend to only those parts of their marriage which they think are positive (We trust one another. He'll be there for me. We have a long and interesting history). Basically, they choose to focus on the positive (globally).
3. Although happy couples "believe" pretty consistently over time that their marriage is - from a balcony perspective, or globally - pretty positive, all couples naturally have day to day variations in how they feel about their partners. The difference between the happy and unhappy couple is this: Happy couples make "charitable explanations" of the other spouse's undesirable behavior. Example: "He left his socks on the floor yet again, but it's probably because he had a rough day at the office." And "She was really withdrawn and self-centered tonight at dinner, but I'll bet it's not because of lack of interest in me, but a hard day caring for her aging parents."
4. In a way, such "charitable explanations" of the other person's behavior - when explained as isolated and specific to the day, mood, or context - don't allow for overall change in the positive view of the marriage (again, from the "balcony" perspective).
5. As Karney explains "Making charitable explanations severs the link between specific negative perceptions and global evaluation of the marriage." Or, as he even more clearly explains: "Couples who are able to acknowledge their partner's faults while maintaining positive views of their marriage overall" are, simply, happier. They are also less likely to divorce."

So, dear spouse of mine (who surely is an avid reader of his wife's blog. Dude, seriously, you should read these at least once a year to find out when I'm sending important metamessages to you!), keep in mind that while we may disagree on how much to spend on that new refrigerator and the material of the counter tops which will soon grace our new kitchen, I'm still that spouse you love and trust ... 18 years and counting ... and I do make a great gin and tonic, eh? And you like my quirky, neat-nik-ish, silly tastes, right? And the way I have to make the bed right when the last toe is out. And the way I wash the dog with Rosemary Mint "Buddy Wash" (plus Buddy Conditioner). Globally. 48" refrigerator not withstanding, correct? Of course you do. Because that's what happy couples do.

* To read the full article by Benjamin Karney in the APA Science Brief, copy and paste the following link into your browser: www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2010/02/sci-brief.aspx

Feeling Ignored?

How nice to hear from friends and loyal Happy Couple Blog readers that you're feeling ignored! Stiffed. Abandoned! We had no idea so many of you cared or logged in. We're touched you noticed our lameness at blogging lately.

What I've been noticing lately (Carol here) is how during summer my bids for connection are more often to my neighbors, extended family, out-of-touch friends, long-seen buddies, and new acquaintances. How my attention shifts slightly from being "on" my email, text messages, and blogging urges to being on my kid at bat, my garden in waiting, my husband reading the morning newspaper on the porch. Yes, dreamy. Yes, easier. Yes, all excuses for ignoring all of you who want to read about Happy Couples!

Instead of making excuses, I'll make an invitation, a bid for connection (read back a few blog posts if you don't know about Bids): Respond to this post and ask us questions. Start a discussion. Tell us what's on your mind. Declare your favorite post. Make a request. Tell us what you notice, want to know, wish to learn (about relationships). Happy people let their feelings be known (sometimes, and with a smile, of course).

Thanks for noticing that we haven't been noticing you enough! And now if you don't respond, we'll really feel badly.

What Happy Dog Owners Do.

They laugh when their cute dog gets curious during a photo shoot of some of your new products!



Yes, you're seeing a sneak peek at the soon-to-be-launched Happy Couple Company glasswares! Cute, eh?

Almost as cute as Fred (woof).

Check the Happycouplecompany.com site in the next few days. You might just be the first to own some of these and some other nifty little ditties, each designed to inspire.

P.S. Yes, it was glasses and mugs in the boxes from last post! Wahoo. We can't wait to show you everything.

Hmmmm ....

Wonder what is in these boxes?

Soon.

You will know too.

Check back.