Happy Holidays, Happy? Couples

The holidays can be stressful. I know. Travel, expectations, sugar, gifts. In-laws, out-laws, cocktails, more sugar. More expectations, a sideways look or three, a late night party or four. An argument or two ... usually in whispers or just with nonverbal huffs and puffs (as if no one is noticing).

Do what happy couples do: don't blame. Just laugh. Meaning, at yourself. It should work. Laughing is contagious, especially when first directed at self.

Diffuse the tense sugar-low/in-law high/don't-like-sleeping-in-this-bed/wish-your-relatives-were-more-perfect-like-me moments by being self-depricating and humble.

Like today when it took 36 minutes to find the single dog leash we brought on our journey to multiple houses. Did I laugh? Not right away. I was too busy sponging up dog pee on grandma's carpet. Then once missing leash was found, where did it end up? Yep - on the roof of the car. Then where? Flying into a ditch on the highway, of course, in the darkness of a Wisconsin winter night. Was it all my husband's fault? Of course it was. Of course I yelled grouchily at him (without contempt or criticism, thank you Dr. Gottman. Just with good old irritation).

Okay, so do what I say, not what I do. My kids know the drill ("Stop yelling at me from upstairs!!" ... Oh, yes, I just yelled that, didn't I?)

We eventually laughed as we bumped over the river and through the hills to grandmother's house where we ate, drank and laughed some more. And the dog only pooped inside once (but don't tell grandma; she didn't notice - yet).

Whatever you do and where ever you celebrate this season, may laughter fill most of your moments.

Twenty Years Today

Today was our 20th wedding anniversary. I know, right? Pretty exciting to make it this far. And, even better, to know for sure you'll likely make it another 20 and then some.

Students and others often ask: "What's the secret?"

No secret. Although I'm pretty sure about one thing after 20 years of my own marriage and reading most - but surely not all - of the research on happy marriage/relationships and taking in most of what the experts have to say on the topic:

Nothing as a couple will work if you can't figure out how to be, sustain, maintain, become, stay, and then fight for your lives to continue to be two healthy individuals.

And by health we're talking about the whole deal: psychologically, socially, physically, mentally, spiritually, economically .. and the list could go on.

And you do know such efforts will come back around to serve you well, right? In a magically selfless way. Trust me.

Today - yay! - we honored our own work (hard work, almost all of the time) toward staying healthy individually which has, no question, given us the chance to stay healthy together for -- but who's counting? -- 7,300 days.

And like most things in long-term relationships, the plan today didn't quite work out as expected.

I had hired a quartet to deliver a singing love card. We had a similar group sing from the balcony at our wedding. (It's a ritual!) They canceled last night at 9:30 p.m.

Dang.

But plan B arose with the sun this morning.

At 2:15 p.m. I left work. And quickly ran - literally - home. Panting, I turned the iron to "silk/cotton." Heat up. Faster, please! It was a flurry about the house, but a calm and giddy one. I anticipated what was next.

One mile in the car and I arrived at my husband's university. It's now 3:05 p.m.

He looked a bit surprised. Because I had my wedding dress on. Oh my!

Yes, it was a tight squeeze. Please zipper, don't pop.

We skipped (not really) to the chapel. And stood on the alter. And as we lit our original wedding candle, the president of St. Catherine University -- Sr. Andrea Lee -- was gracious enough to join us. She was all smiles. You'd never have known she was very late for a board of trustee finance committee meeting. She read one of our wedding readings from the original paper on which it was typed (I store them in my sock drawer). The famous David Haas happen to be in the building. He joyfully sang a little verse. And read another piece. Yep. I know, right? If you don't know David Haas, quickly look him up. A few friends from St. Kate's fluttered in to take a photo or two. Thank goodness for iphones. Our dear pal Stacy helped coordinate the whole thing with, well, all of about 2 hours notice.

It was magic. And ultimate health.

We kissed and committed to staying real - and real healthy - for another 20 or more years.

Then we had pizza and wine down the street. It was now 4 p.m so we had the restaurant to ourselves. We read our readings again. And chatted with our kids on our iphones. And my dear friend for life sealed the day with the most perfect little gift: a framed version of the card we received 20+ years ago as we prepared for our marriage. On it is written the advice we use each day to, yes - you know what I'm going to say - stay healthy and kind to one another. It doesn't always work. Today it did. Amen for that.

Read this right now ...

... the piece published today called "The Generous Marriage" by Tara Parker-Pope in the NYTimes Well Blog. Tara (no, I don't know her but like to pretend I do by using her first name) is one of my favorite NYTimes thinkers and writers on relationships! Go Tara. Call me later, eh?

Seriously, though, she's smart. Right on. And this piece summarizes so much of what we keep saying in What Happy Couples Do. Yep, here it is again, something we qualitative researchers would call an emergent theme: Relationships thrive on us in them being kind (rocket science, I know, right?). Making thoughtful - even when we don't want to - choices. Being intentional. Creating positivity. Not giving up. Because it's worth it, and then some.

Just in case the link above doesn't work for you, it's worth your time to copy/paste/Control C/Control V: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/08/is-generosity-better-than-sex/

Speaking of Kindness. If you live in the Twin Cities and need some inspiration for being kinder, stop by the Kindness Cafe. "Breakfast and lunch cooked to order. Tasty, feel good food prepared with you in mind." 350 Saint Peter Street Saint Paul, MN 55102 (651) 224-6440

I have no idea who owns it, why they created it, what their food is like nor even who goes there. I've never been, shame on me. But recently a pal said "This place is totally for you!" So true. I study kindness (oh, and try to practice it once in a while too). How could anyone be grumpy or impatient while at the Kindness Cafe?

Maybe a required lunch spot for all couples? Once a month. Or twice a day if needed.

Lucky us who live in St. Paul, MN! Kindness Cafe people: watch out. I'm coming on down for a bite with my spouse and kids. Or maybe we'll just move in.

A Crafty Couple

Do couples who craft together, stay together?

No research has yet given us a definitive answer to this important question. But I, as you might predict, would theorize that the crafting could count as a ritual of connection, eh? Thus, a crafting couple would be boosting their odds of staying happy, right?

I think so. And indeed hope so.

Because today I engaged my husband/pal Brian in a holiday crafting task which, happily, reminded me of part of our hands-on-the-crafts history.

A little more than (can it be true?) 20 years ago he and I, hands together, constructed our first couple-craft: a wedding invitation. Long before DIY was cool, we were DIYers because we, well, were B. R. O. K. E. graduate students. The crafting must have been contagious, or just necessary. Probably both. My mother made all of the wintery table decorations, a simple white mostly-paper angel with curly blonde hair. That sweet symbol of our December wedding has since, annually, crawled her way to the top of our holiday tree. Today, to my delight, one of the gal pals (and my sister-in-law) in our wedding sent me a photo text of the tree topper she had just affixed up high on their family's evergreen giant: "Remember? She always tops our tree too." Twenty years, despite her yellowing wings, she carries on ... in our home and others.

Oh, right, back to the point of this blog, one which is not actually about crafting, nor rituals, nor holidays. Rather, it's about nuance.

If I was going to be crazily crafting holiday gifts for our family and friends, my not-so-crafty husband was going to participate. I don't care if the Packers are on. The holidays are near! Dear. You are going to help and enjoy it. "Oh, and, honey, no beer on the craft table, please."

He swiftly moved his bottle from the task at hand. I promptly smiled. Not because our tedious project was no longer in jeopardy of being bathed in ale. Rather, we had just mastered -- okay, it might have taken 16 or more years, and hey, it might have been just today -- what relationship guru John Gottman discovered over decades of discerning what predicts divorce and success: happy couples are those in which a husband is open to influence from his wife.

Sorry guys. The research does not suggest women need be open to influence from men. Maybe it's because, for hundreds of years, that's been happening already. But that's a topic for another day and a future post.

The moral of this story: today, in this tiny life, I witnessed a nuance which suggested we might just make it another 20 years or more. Whew. Husband + craft project + one beer + a small suggestion + a positive response = one pretty happy crafter. And the lesson for all of us: it's the little things, most of them in our control, that add up to the larger feelings and behaviors of happiness over the long haul.

How might you choose to change the way you respond, ever so slightly, to make your partnership a little happier?

CRAFTING DISCLOSURE: all of my crafting is totally copied from others' great ideas. For e.g., the mini trees in mason jars, below: spied as table decor at a local Anthropologie. No, my husband had nothing to do with their creation nor installation. But he did say "hey, nice." I like those compliments. More than that, I like making little art projects on tables.

The yet-to-be-disclosed craft with the paperclips (opening photo): seen at a local store where they sell only goods "Made in MN." I said to myself "I can make those. And, what do you know, I live in MN too."

NOTE: My best friend does, yes, call me Crafty Carol. As you blog readers know: nicknames are indeed good for sustaining marriage AND friendship. We, yes, do have research to support that simple fact.

ONE FINAL NOTE and I promise it's the last: My happy couple husband never reads this blog, hence why it's fun to write about him! I think that him not reading the blog is one of our keys to long-term happy couple-ness.

Holiday Challenge: ADD 25%

What Happy Couples Do and Happy Couple Co is in the holiday spirit!

To celebrate, we're raising our prices on all happy couple items at www.happycouplecompany.com by 25% - just for one day - on Black Friday. Yep, RAISING prices. If you buy something ... a cute mug, an autographed book or three, a set of witty wine glasses ... please add 25% to your total.

No, I have not been sipping from those wine glasses.

Yes, what I have been doing is thinking about culture, holidays, relationships and choices.

Instead of shopping and being busy this holiday infamous holiday weekend, I challenge you (and yes, I'll be challenged myself) to intentionally NOT do something "out there" (shop, run errands, spend money, be busy, create stress) and instead do something "inside" your relationship life - with a family member, significant other, partner, spouse, kid, sister, mother, grandparent, BFF. You might: play cards; write letters to old friends - together; stroll the neighborhood - and hold hands!; take a nap - at the same time; paint each others' toes; just sit and chat, with no purpose but actually, fully listening.

No, I am not opposed to stimulating the economy. And no, I will not confirm nor deny the fact that my holiday shopping is done already (... ok, it is). What I am is completely in favor of is reminding myself and anyone else who'll listen that relationships are completely and totally up to us. They thrive on positivity (read John Gottman's research) and intentionality (think rituals of connection).

So, the challenge in summary: take a day that has become about door-busting and spending and reclaim it. Without spending a dime, make a wise investment: in a relationship that you take for granted. And here some more free advice: you can apply this same challenge to any other 364 days in the year. Free. Not always easy. But priceless, like good, healthy relationships always are.

The Happy Couple Secret ... Revealed

So, the big news is now out … and wait until you see it.

What is IT? Stop the suspense already!

Happy Couples and our cute little company is featured in the hot, 2011-12 edition of Minneapolis/St. Paul CRAVE - The Urban Girl’s Manifesto: The ultimate guide to women-owned business in the twin cities, featuring more than 100 entrepreneurs you need to know.

I know, right? Sweet!

And the first five twin cities’ women to email me (carol@happycouplecompany.com) saying they read this blog and want a copy of CRAVE, I'll march right over to the mailroom and send you a copy - free! Don’t forget to include your address (it's safe with me).

Last year CRAVE twin cities sold out within weeks @ $19.95 each. Yours if you are fast and a loyal WHCD blog reader or just a lucky first-timer to this site? Gratis. You might even want to re-gift it; I'll never tell.

I know again, right? Sweet(er)!

And not only will you learn about some really cool ideas and meet smart, inspiring women on every page, your CRAVE book comes with all sorts of discounts and ideas (think holiday gifts ... to yourself, partner, colleagues or pals).

Ready, set … crav(e)mail me!

NOTE: I'm adding this sentence at 12:29 p.m. on Friday, Nov 18. All five copies have been claimed. Congratulations! Check back early and often around Thanksgiving or the day after and we'll do this again!! Too fun.

(P.S.S. Not from the twin cities? My apologies. Maybe look for the CRAVE manifesto in your city. It's HOT hot hot!)

Happy Couple Couple-Costumes

Happy couples have fun. That's a scientific fact. And I'm not saying that we did Saturday night, but I'm just sayin'.

















Yours truly, Head Lock Lucy with awesome sis-in-law Bad Ass Betty (not her real name) and our happy couple teammates "sock-her moms" referees B and J.


Happy Halloween!

EVENT - calling all happy women!

The University of St. Thomas Alumni Association is sponsoring an evening event featuring ... ta da ... me and Anna and our latest book: What Happy Women Do. And Anna is going to tell us a bit about her awesome dissertation about women and our work around holiday rituals. Fascinating stuff!

And what's both fascinating and a bit scary, the invitation to this talk just went out to over 10,000 UST alumnae. Yikes. And I did promise them I'd post the invitation to you ... the happy couple blog-reading fans. So, check out your invitation below. You ALL are welcome.

Seriously, you're ALL really, really welcome! No need to be connected to UST ... or even have been to campus before. The more the merrier, right? And, if not to hear us speak, there will be some free cookies and things to sip, I believe.

Oh, and a fresh stack of What Happy Women Do books will be for sale, personalized and autographed by the authors (yay!). Can you say "I just finished all of my holiday shopping, in one stop, for every woman in my life?" (YAY again!)



From the University of St. Thomas Alumni Association

Did you know that women who form close bonds and relationships with other women actually live longer and have less illness? These relationships are more powerful than you might think!

So grab your girlfriends, sisters, mothers and all of the women with whom you share strong bonds and enjoy a night saluting sisterhood and the rituals that sustain us.

This will be a great opportunity to engage in a fascinating discussion with two of UST’s most charismatic professors: Dr. Carol Bruess and Dr. Anna Kudak. Together, they have written “What Happy Women Do,” which will be featured during the discussion.

Come and celebrate the relationships that we share with important women in our lives, and find new ways to make them even stronger.

Register online by Nov. 11. All women are welcome, both alumnae and non-alumnae of UST!

When: Nov. 15, 7-8:30 p.m.
Where: O’Shaughnessy Educational Center auditorium, St. Paul campus

Also ...

... (an addendum to the blog from a few moments ago) ...

Little tiny feet make me happy, like these I captured today for a happy couple of their new little guy Adam. Awwww, I know. Look at those 14 day old little piggies. Super sweet.

Sweeeeeeeet!

An email from a colleague-friend the other day said "Just popped into Patina and saw your latest book. Must make you smile when you see it all over :-)!"

What makes me smile is when people put contagious-smiley-happy-emoticons in their emails (ok, and when spying the happy couple/parent/women books results in a grin on their faces of course).

The happy trio -- What Happy Couples Do, What Happy Women Do, and What Happy Parents Do -- have been spotted a bunch around town lately! The store people say ... ah, what a treat ... they often can't keep them on the shelves. Yay!

If you're not from around town, here is a peek at the hottest gift stores in Minneapolis/St. Paul. And, I'll tell ya what, these are the stores where I'm doing ALL of my holiday shopping in the coming months. Sorry, family and favorite pals, I'm breaking my 12-year streak of only hand-made gifts. Instead, brace yourself for some cool, hip, Minnesota-made creative stuff.

Oh, and now back to our sweeeeet book sightings:

At Patina:
http://www.patinastores.com/catalog/catalogsearch/result/?q=couple

At Bibelot Shops:
http://www.bibelotshops.com/index.php?view=search_catalog_results

And more at Bibelot
Happy Parents

At I Like You
http://www.ilikeyouonline.com/

And coming soon you'll also find us in .... SHHHH ... OH, that's RIGHT ... I can't tell yet! Sworn to secrecy.

Check back, right before BLACK FRIDAY. Ewwww, I can hardly stand the excitement. Can you?

Happy Couple Contagion

My besties have always given me solid and tailored advice, the most recent being "Don't go see the movie Contagion!" While the entertainment might be excellent, they know me too well: I'm already a tad freaked out by those tiny little things called germs. Ewww.

What I AM fond of is the research suggesting that happiness is contagious; and the research about how crucial it is, as a couple, to surround yourself with happy/healthy people who affirm you as a couple; and the research which confirms that having friends over is one of the key factors in happiness.

So, why don't we all do that - have our friends over - more?!

My husband and I asked ourselves that very question about 3 weeks ago.

And we answered it by, on a whim, by making invitations, sending them out, and throwing a "For No Reason" party. Inspired by our magical friends Jim and Bridget (see post from August "This is Big"), we gathered up a bunch of the affirming, fabulous, happy, smart, funny couples and singles and ... for no reason, well, except that their joy and happiness was contagious and thus we are better for them ... had a blast making the most of a mundane, non-holiday, no-purpose, beer-on-tap, average wine, easy snacks, balmy fall evening.

Thanks to all you cool people in my life. Because of you, we're a happier couple. That's the kind of contagion I like.

Let's do it again soon, k? Before we do, get your flu shots already.

Cliché? or Nay?

As my students all know, I'm a cheerleader of communication THEORY.

Nothing is, no chance, more useful than a great theory for helping us understand or explain things. You know, thing like what happy couples do. What happy parents do. Families. Women. Friends ... et al.

Dialectical Theory - one of my all-time theoretical besties - explains that relationships of all sizes and shapes require on-going navigation of our very human, simultaneous, and contradictory needs: like, being open with each other and being closed (telling and keeping secrets); like newness and sameness; like togetherness and independence. Send me an email if you'd like a bibliography on DT. Really. You can love theory too! Carol@whathappycouplesdo.com.

Speaking of love, I just read an interesting review of a new book on the topic. Okay, so I haven't read the book yet. But the thesis and research supporting it makes my dialectical-theory-loving-self say hmmmm ... Interesting. Is the fondness/heart/absence thing cliche? Either way, maybe you'll enjoy the review (and the actual book. I'll let you know when I'm done with it) too: Click here for full article