The List

Well, the idea grew out of an argument. A big one. Yes, we "happy couples" fight too! In fact, we fight quite a bit (it's Carol here, although Anna admits a good "care-frontation" with her spouse now and again). In case any readers are feeling disappointed, remember: reserach shows that happy couples can fight a lot (it's how they handle their disagreements that makes a difference!).

Our (Bruess couple) latest "handling" of conflict looks something like this: Make a list. On the white board. In the basement. In the corner. Where we each check in periodically and perhaps more now since the "list" is new and fresh and in the just-initated phase. On the list you jot things (key words, phrases, whole paragraphs) that irritate you, jab you, rub you, warm you. Things that make you CRAZY. And things that make you smile. But mostly, the list is designed to highlight things that aren't quite right at the moment (of the "when you walk OVER the dirty clothes which have come down the laundry shoot and landed just inches from the basket but you don't actually pick them up, I think I'm going to SCREAM" variety). Or, one that I'm confident is going to be on my husband's list sometime today or tomorrow: "Selling the sofa and chairs without telling me and buying new ones." Oops. Good point. Not a good idea of a "surprise" (despite my best intentions. Honestly. I had good motives, honey).



Happy couple or not: we ALL have things that make us "slightly irritated." Why not find a way (a visual and ever-developing-but-easily-erasable list) to get them addressed and expressed?

I'll keep you posted on how ours goes.

(And I'll be sure to post a photo when our new sofa arrives!)

Sisterness

As many college roommates experience, the women who lived with me on 331 Wilder Street became my "sisters." Since our college graduation, we created a ritual (inspired by my cousin and her college roommates, which you'll read all about in our forthcoming book What Happy Women Do), our very own holiday: 3/31 Day (March 31). Each year, on March 31, we try to celebrate our friendship all day. Sometimes it's via morning email and then happy hour later. One year, we were fortunate to all be able to take a day off of work and school! This year, we'll have the birth of not one but two babies being born. Another roommate graduated from law school and passed the bar exam. Another is about to start nursing school. Another is potentially planning a move to LA. Big year for us "sisters." So big, in fact, that it seemed that one day per year just wasn't enough to devote to our friendship.

Therefore, we decided to try for a monthly celebration, too. So on the 3rd Wednesday (which happens to be the 3rd day of the week) of every month, we have lunch for 1 hour: 3-3-1. We can't all be there each month. But we sure try. We realized that when we don't see each other often enough, we end up spending all our time "catching up" rather than building on the sisterness we already share.

We love our partners and families dearly. But no matter how hard they try, they can't comprehend everything we went through together at 331 Wilder. No one else can understand the funny notes we left each other, requesting checks for rent, energy bills, cable, and water.

Or the "rules" we developed for conducting life under one roof.


Or the fun we had together.

Celebrate your sisterness! And take pictures and share them (and your stories) with us.

A Must Read

I know I've mentioned my friend's blog before, but I think this entry is worth sharing again!


Najla and her hunky husband, Paul, have started a new ritual. They're cross-country skiing together this winter. They happen to live in Fargo, North Dakota, which is one of the coldest places I've ever been. The wind has been known to whip Fargo residents to the ground! With recent temps dipping well-below zero (try twenty below zero), these two remain committed to their new ritual. Check out her blog for some fun dialogue between she and her husband during their ski outing this week.


http://najmania.blogspot.com/2010/01/hotness-in-frozen-tundra.html

What Will You Do Differently This Year?

That was the question posed in one of my (it's Carol writing here) favorite little magazines this month (Real Simple. You know, the one with the alluring subtitle: Life Made Easier) Who doesn't desire a little life made easier? I've been a subscriber since its inception and seem to learn something simple or profound (or both) in each issue. About life. About relationships. About how to organize my wrapping paper or streamline the mitten basket.

This time (January 2010), it was the reader who responded to the query "What will you do differently this year" with a very Happy Couplesque statement: "I'm going to put my husband first."

She explains: "We each work two jobs and have a family, volunteer and social commitments, so we're exhausted at the end of the day. He deserves the best of me - not what's left over after I'm done with everything else."

Our spouses DO deserve the best of us. The first of us. The most of us. She's so smart, isn't she?!

I'm going to follow her lead and try to put my hubby first. It wont' be easy and I'm not one to make New Year resolutions (more inclined toward moment to moment resolutions since those give me greater odds at succeeding!) But today ... and the next 364 days ... I'm going to resolve to put my spouse of 18 years (and 18 days, to be exact) before everything else.

Wish me luck.

How about you? Want to try too?

Happy(Couple) New Year.

Fun Mail Rule

Last night, I (Anna) came home to three unopened envelopes on the counter. Did Brent get home, retrieve the mail, and then not open any of it? Nope, that was not the case. Those three unopened envelopes were intentionally left for me. He was simply following our fun mail rule we've developed over time. And this rule is particularly important during the holiday season, when we receive an abundance of "fun mail" in the form of holiday cards. Allow me to explain.

Fun mail consists of letters, invitations, thank you notes, and packages. I guess you could think of it as all the mail that doesn't require us to write a check after opening. Who doesn't love opening fun mail? It's usually attractive. Colorful. Hand-addressed, even? All of these traits make fun mail pretty much irresistibly inviting. Which was why it became a point of contention in our house earlier in our marriage. Since Brent usually gets the mail from the mailbox, he used to open all of it, including the fun mail (sometimes addressed only to ME!). It didn't take him long to learn that I like opening my own fun mail. But the problem still existed because he would open all the fun mail addressed to both of us. Eventually, we arrived at this conclusion: Whoever has known the sender of the fun mail best (or sometimes longest) is the designated opener. For example, today we received one card from my friend from graduate school and two others from my college roommates. So, Brent knew to leave them on the counter where I would see them and open them with excitement! Sometimes, though, he still "sneaks" opening one of mine ("you get way more than I do!").

Rules. They get such a bad rap, don't they? We tend to think of them as restrictive. But really, I think they're quite freeing! Mutually developed rules are, in my opinion, one of the keys to relational satisfaction.

P.S. Send me fun mail!

Happy Anniversary! (But do I have to watch?)

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary! (Carol and Brian, married December 13th, 1991)

Yes, we are a happy couple because - no question - we keep working on it every day. We also don't let the 13th of December pass by without our loving little ritual: A review of our very poor quality but highly valuable (to just us) wedding video. We are, as I type, sitting on the sofa together, devouring a bowl of popcorn and recalling the evening with great fondness. Our kids joined us for about 20 minutes total of tonight's viewing until my son declared "Okay, I've seen enough" and our daughter kindly and sweetly uttered "Do I have to watch this anymore?" Secretly, I know they enjoy the warmth and security of seeing their parents still in love after 18 years even though they don't equally enjoy the blurry and quite raw footage of their wedding mass and reception. To us, the video is rather perfect: a documenting of the day we donned our best attire, danced the night away, and decided that we'd forever work - moment by moment - to appreciate the little and precious moments together. Are we always successful at doing so? Heck no. But we keep trying. And tonight - hurray for marriage and popcorn - is one of those moments we sure are enjoying.

Kids, time for bed.

Ritual Sneak Peek

Yes, it's ritual I can't shake: the annual (it begins in about February the year before) creation of the Bruess' holiday card. I don't actually begin making the card that many months in advance. But I sure begin thinking about it.

Indeed, I try to rationalize all the thought and effort, despite often unsuccessful & unimpressive outcomes: it's the only time of year we get to connect with far away friends and send/receive real mail! It's an expression of my formerly-artistic self (B.A. in Art from St. Norbert College, yes I was believe it or not). It's a ritual, for goodness sakes. And ritual connects people. Gives us peace of mind. Makes for strong communities and families. Ah ... how my mind likes to busily make sense of these silly (no, important) little things in life.

So ... here's a sneak peek at our rather silly and unimpressive card for 2009. The final layout (imagine a combination mall-photo-booth-Brady-Bunch-grid) isn't quite ready for publication. But stay tuned.











Okay, isn't my dog Fred the cutest dude ever?

Celebrating Disaster

At a particularly delightful breakfast this morning (at Moose and Sadie's downtown Minneapolis, check it out!), one couple told me (Anna) about their recently developed ritual of connection. One that is definitely worth sharing with our faithful blog readers. One that I'll definitely be adopting in my own relationship. It's that inspiring. They call it, "Celebrating Disasters." This couple has had a series of challenging events this fall, including a stolen car, frustrating home renovations, and the usual work struggles. After feeling down about all these problems, they decided to make a change. Rather than complaining and becoming bitter about these issues, they choose to celebrate them. How? With a fabulous dinner. Dancing. Anything fun. With this kind of attitude, this couple is in for a great life together.

Why is it that we typically only celebrate the exciting, uplifting, and positive moments in our relational lives? It's certainly easier, isn't it? But by not celebrating our challenging times, we might be missing out on some of the greatest opportunities for growth. Instead of dreading, sulking, and complaining, maybe we should start celebrating? When we've got someone to share these moments with, they might not be so bad after all. Right?

Mothers and Daughters

Every year, my friends from high school and I have a mother-daughter holiday event. We get dressed up and enjoy a fancy tea together, this year at the St. Paul Hotel. Look how cute my petite mom looks while I look like a house! We look forward to this time together all year. My highlight this year, though, was when our moms admitted to their "bad mom" moments. For instance, one mom recalled when her daughter claimed she had to go to the bathroom while they were out shopping. The mother insisted, "you just went!" and made her wait a bit longer. When they finally got to the bathroom, the mom realized the extent of her daughter's desperation to make it to the toilet. She felt horrible, and of course, more than twenty years later, still feels remorseful about it. The most reassuring part, however, was that most of us daughters didn't even remember the "bad" things they were certain would have a negative lasting impression on us. After they told us the "bad" stories, they asked us to tell them one of our favorite mom moments to make them feel better. My favorite thing? I remember laughing all the time with my mom. I also remember feeling oh-so-loved in that always-hugged-and-kissed kind of way. All things I hope to pass on to my own little one.

Thanks, moms and friends, for another amazing holiday tea experience!

Date Plans

How adorable is this? My (Anna's) techy hubby has our "ical" calendars synchronized so when one person adds an event, we both automatically see it. While scheduling some interviews for my dissertation, I came across a new "event" added by my sweet hubby. To my surprise, I spotted "movie date night with hunny" on my calendar. We rarely go to movies in the theater. To save money, we try to have our movie nights "in" rather than "out." But we're going to splurge a little. Maybe we'll even do dinner out beforehand? Another thing we try to cut back on. Come to think of it, we better schedule all our movie nights "out" before we need a babysitter in order to do so!

DO surprise your spouse.

A Seriously Funny Blog

My (Anna's) friend from my master's program, Najla, has the most hilarious blog.

Like many moms, Najla has many roles and responsibilities. She works full time, is writing her dissertation, and on top of that she has 4 children. Unlike most moms, all of her children are boys. Are you beginning to imagine the kind of stories she might share on her blog? And she doesn't hold back, I promise.

She claims to write the blog, "Because blogging about living with five men is cheaper than my other options." And it will have you cracking up. Today's entry, for instance, is about her six year old sticking up his middle finger, without knowing the meaning of this gesture. And there are dozens more where that came from! For a chuckle or two (or ten), check it out:
http://najmania.blogspot.com/